Hogwarts: The Comedic Soap Opera!
by McAwsome
Summary: When you go to a magic school, there's gonna be drama. Hogwarts is no exception. Follow the students as they laugh, cry, learn about life, shoot milk out their noses, fall in love, all the while struggling to survive potions class. SEASON 2 NOW started!
1. Episode 1: Wizard Angst!

_**Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (tear)**_

ME and MY Oboe!

(Begins in the middle of the fourth book-Yule Ball)

AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.

Episode# 1: Wizard Angst

"Look at them!" Complained Ron, glaring as Hermione giggled at whatever Krum had just said. "It's disgusting! What does he have that I don't?"

"Fame, fortune, mad quidditch skills," Harry rattled off the first few things that came to his mind, "a date."

"Didn't we have dates?" Ron asked, suddenly remembering the twin girls he and his friend had come to the ball with, "Where did those two get off to?"

Harry shrugged; he hadn't seen his date since the first dance of the night. He was pretty sure she had been sitting with them for at least the first six songs, but couldn't even begin to point out when she had left. To be completely honest, he'd been staring at Cho Chang and Cedric Diggory all night.

"Dude, I can't believe they came together," he said out loud, knowing full well that Ron didn't know, or care what he was talking about, "what about me dammit!?"

"You? What about me?" exclaimed Ron, still going on about how Hermione had done him wrong, or something similar, "Hermione is fraternizing with the bloody enemy! How do you think that make ME feel?"

"Look at you guys!" exclaimed a shrill voice, causing the boys to turn in their seats, "you're both being ridiculous. This is supposed to be a party! Have some bloody fun already!"

"Hermione!" growled Ron, his eyes narrowing into slits as he realized that she was not alone, "have you gone completely mental? You're sleeping with the enemy!"

The Great Hall went totally silent at his words. Every student watching, wondering how the brightest witch in her year would reply to this insult. The poor girl looked as though she were about to cry, when she was rescued by none other than Victor Krum.

"What of it?" Krum demanded, stepping in front of his date and glaring menacingly at the red haired Gryffindor, "are you going to make me kick your ass? Huh Weasley?"

"Yeah!" Ron shouted defiantly, but stupidly, "I am!"

The crowd that had been gathering since the argument had started began to form a circle. It was clear that the crowd wanted to see a fight, which they demonstrated by chanting the word 'fight' over and over.

Ron and Krum began circling, each attempting to anticipate the other's move.

**Meanwhile**, Harry noticed that Cedric had ditched Cho, and appeared to be looking for someone. Possibly him. He muttered something to Hermione about going outside to get some air, caught Cedric's eye, and then proceeded to actually go outside for air.

The front lawn had been transformed into a beautiful garden for the occasion. Harry found a dark secluded area, then sat down to wait for his secret lover.

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(A/N: If this were an actual Soap Opera written for television, all of the previous action would probably have taken place BEFORE the opening credits. As such, I will use this opportunity to display the disclaimer.) Also, when I say that Cedric is a sixth year, I'm not being stupid. At the bottem of page 174 in _Prisoner of Azkaban_, Rowling clearly states that he is a fifth year. Also, (as far as i can tell, nowhere in _Goblet of Fire_ does it say that he is a 7th year....so that makes him a 17 year old 6th year).

DISCLAIMER: The Harry Potter franchise and all of its characters belong to JK Rowling. Not me. I have simply borrowed the characters in order to use them in this rather odd tale which treads a VERY fine line between 'random, but funny' and 'the crackiest crack fic of all time'.

Now that that's taken care of, we return to our plot………

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**(Six hours previous)**

"It's just for one night," Cedric told himself as he carefully applied gel to his hair in preparation for the Yule Ball he was to attend with Cho Chang.

"Dude!" laughed Steve, a fellow Hufflepuff sixth year, "you're going to the ball with an uber hottie. So what's with the face?"

Cedric was quiet for a moment. He wanted to say, "I'm really gay and I wish I was going with Harry Potter." He also knew he COULD'NT say that because of many things. Among them, the Triwizard tournament in which they were both competing, as well as the age difference. He was seventeen, and Harry was only fourteen. If anyone found out about their relationship, Cedric would be sent to Azkaban for raping the younger wizard- and idea neither of them were very fond of.

"Dude?" Steve asked again. Apparently Cedric was taking too long to answer the question which, incidentally, he had forgotten.

"Huh?"

"Dude, you seem way too bummed. Are you sure everything's okay?" Steve asked, a look of concern beginning to spread across his face.

"I'm fine," Cedric lied, picking up his toothbrush.

"Okay," sighed Steve, thoroughly unconvinced as he watched his friend violently attack his gums with the toothbrush, "there's a spell that will do that for you ya know."

"I know."

"Okay. Well, lighten up dude, it's Christmas!" Steve said as he left the room.

"Bah humbug," muttered Cedric, glaring at his reflection.

Two hours later he met up with Cho. The four Triwizard champions and their dates had been forced to start the first dance. After that, he'd continued dancing, but only because it prevented him from actually having to converse with his date.

Not that Cho hadn't been talking incessantly since he'd met up with her, but the loud music in the Great Hall gave him an excuse to ignore it. He tried not to be rude, but hoped he hadn't noticed that he checked his watch every thirty seconds.

"I like this song," Cho muttered, snuggling into his arms. Cedric had already figured out that if he blocked out her voice and closed his eyes, he could pretend she was Harry. Not for the first time that evening, he found himself glancing at the table where his favorite Gryffindor sat with his friends. What he saw there gave him the excuse he needed to abandon all attempts at dancing.

Victor Krum, the Triwizard Champion from Durmstrang was locked in hand-to-hand combat with Ronald Weasley, 4th year Gryffindor and Harry Potter's best friend.

"Look!" Cedric said, surprising his date, "fight."

"Let's go watch," the girl suggested. Cedric was more than happy to comply, as he was already planning his escape route so that he could follow the young fourth year who had just left the hall.

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**(Outside in the garden)**

The December air was surprisingly chilly, which really shouldn't have been a surprise since the grounds of Hogwarts were covered by about a foot of snow, and the night sky looked like it would happily drop another foot or two without much provocation. Harry Potter rubbed his hands together in a vain attempt to get warm. "What's taking him so long?" he wondered for the third time in the last minute.

As if to reply, the sound of footsteps echoed through the garden.

"Cedric?" Harry called quietly, hoping he was not mistaken.

"I'm here," the 6th year Hufflepuff replied, his dress robes catching slightly on a rosebush as he rounded the corner, "chilly isn't it?"

"Just a little," laughed Harry, fighting off a shiver.

"How long have you been waiting?"

"Not that long really. Five minutes tops."

"I tried to get away sooner, but Cho just kept TALKING! Seriously, the girl never shuts up!" Cedric said apologetically, his face breaking into a grin when he became aware that the more he complained about his date, the happier it made Harry, "Are you jealous?" he asked, grinning like an idiot.

"Not anymore," Harry said quietly, looking guiltily at the ground as he did so.

"Hey! None of that. I'm here now aren't I?" demanded Cedric, taking a seat next to the young Gryffindor, "Cho Chang is defiantly not my type. She's lacking certain anatomical parts, for one thing…"

Harry cracked a faint, but barely noticeable smile, but said nothing, just stared at the ground. It became obvious to Cedric, who knew the boy better than anyone, that he had something to say. It was also clear that he really, REALLY didn't want to.

"Harry, what is it? I promise you, whatever is going on, we'll work it out. Now take a deep breath and spill it."

"I'm pregnant."

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**(Gryffindor tower- After the ball)**

"Well maybe you should have asked me first!" ranted Hermione Granger. She and Ron Weasley stood in the center of the Gryffindor Common room, screaming at each other as though they were the only ones there. In reality, they were once again, drawing a crowd.

"That's not the point at all!" Ron argued, though he made no attempt to explain whatever point he thought he was making.

"What is the point?" the voice belonged to some random 3rd year whom nobody had bothered to learn their name.

"You stay out of this!" ordered Ron, glaring at the third year.

"Yeah!" agreed Hermione. The third year shrunk back from the argument, and then suddenly took off flying toward the staircase that led to the dormitories, probably scarred for life…oh well.

"I can't believe you went to the ball with Victor Krum!" shouted Ron, his black eye and enlarged upper lip becoming prominent in the light from the fire, "he's competing against Harry!"

Hermione, who was the only other person in Hogwarts who knew about Harry and Cedric, rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"I really don't think Harry cares, Ronald," she said with a certainty that seemed almost unexplainable to those gathered around. As usual, of course, her comment went right over Ron's head.

"I bet he does. We should ask him when he comes in!"

Everyone in the common room was so wrapped up in Ron and Hermione's argument that they didn't notice when the portrait hole swung open and a very disheveled Ginny Weasley walked right past them without giving it a second thought. The young red-headed third year disappeared up the stairs and would have been forgotten, had anyone actually seen her.

"I am so sick of having this argument with you Ronald," Hermione said conclusively as she too headed up the stairs. Once she was gone, Ron turned to Neville Longbottem.

"That went pretty well, I think," Ron said with false enthusiasm. When Neville didn't respond, he continued, "Victory, I believe, is mine."

The reality of the situation was that Ron had made a fool of himself. He knew it, and everybody in the common room had known it. However, there was one thing that Ron knew that nobody else did, and that would explain everything. Except it was something that, if discovered, would change his life as well as the lives of several people around him. Ron was keeping his mouth shut….for now at least.

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**(Somewhere, Hogwarts)**

George Weasley raised his glass, "To us!" he said with enthusiasm. Glancing around at all of his drinking buddies, Fred Weasley and Roger the glowing green fairy, George gulped his Fire Whiskey.

"To us!" echoed Fred and Roger, following suit.

"Let the fun begin," Roger thought to himself, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. He was beginning to get excited about the opportunities that would soon be appearing for him to make complete and utter fools out of the red-headed twins that sat in front of him.

Roger may have been an imaginary fairy, but that did not necessarily mean he didn't have a mind of his own. He cackled maniacally as he schemed up the dastardly plan that would soon have all of Hogwarts talking.

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-How will Cedric react to Harry's shocking announcement? What does Ron know that he won't tell? Why is Ginny so distracted? What does Roger have in store for the twins? Discover the answers to this and more when you tune into next weeks episode of The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself: Harry Potter Soap Opera.

-AUTHORS NOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooooo! I get to make a note here! How awesome is that????????? Hmmm.....I guess this is where I beg and plead to my audience to leave reviews telling me what they think of the story thus far, what they like/don't like, would like to see added, random events they think should occur........etc. BUT, I'm not gonna do that! I would totally beg you to review my story if I thought that would actually make you do so, but I understand that most people don't even read Authors Notes, so they dont even see that the author's are begging them for reviews. I'm not going to stoop to that level. I would absolutly LOVE to hear some feed back, but I'm not gonna beg.

McAwsome............OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Episode 2: Magic for Dummies!

_**Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (tear)**_

ME and MY Oboe!

AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.

_**Last time: During the Yule Ball Ron started a fight with Victor Krum, while Harry gives Cedric some shocking news. Afterwards, Ron and Hermione have an argument in the Gryffindor common room, and the Weasley twins have a drink with an imaginary green fairy named Roger. **_

_**Episode# 2: Magic for Dummies**_

**(Library)**

Recently covered with a fresh coat of snow, the Hogwarts grounds looked more inviting than ever. Unfortunately, now that the holidays were over, Harry was once again an almost permanent fixture in the library. The second task was in February, and he still didn't understand his egg.

He had read every book in the library containing the words 'egg' or 'decipher the hidden message in the terrible screaming', but had yet to have any real luck. He had learned how to curse a giant snake into six billion pieces, but when would he ever need to know that? In fact, Harry was seriously considering the option of just not going to the second task.

Cedric hadn't deciphered the clue in the egg either. He sat in a chair directly across from Harry, skimming though a book called Magic for Dummies who are Probably to Stupid to Understand it, but Want to Learn Anyway. 

"Did you know that if you combine Dragon pancreas with unicorn horn marrow and grape juice it creates a very powerful laxative?" Cedric asked, glancing up from his book.

Until about two minutes prior, Harry had been completely unaware that unicorn horns even contained marrow.

"I did not know that," the boy replied, barely looking up from 1500 Billion Reasons Why You Don't Understand the Really Obvious Clue Inside Your Magical Egg. The book wasn't very helpful as it contained stupid crap such as: 'reason 432: It is speaking to you in a language you don't understand.' Or 'reason 1251: have you tried holding it under water?' "GAH!!! This book is completely useless!"

"Are you sure you should even be competing? I mean, the next task is probably something dangerous. With your condition- I," Cedric began to search for a way to end his question. He would have liked to say something profound- or at least intelligent. He settled for a simple, "um, I just don't think it's a good idea."

"I know," Harry replied, "but you heard Dumbledore's speech, once your name comes out of the Goblet of Fire, you have no choice but to compete.

"Maybe if we explained the situation, he'd understand," Cedric suggested desperately, "surely they wouldn't make a pregnant guy do something that could potentially endanger himself and his unborn child."

Harry could have taken this opportunity to list the problems the this theory: the age difference, the fact that Hermione was the only other person who knew about the relationship in the first place, and the fact that he didn't think he could handle anymore grief from the Slytherins and this was bound to give them loads of ammunition to use against him. Not to mention, who in their right mind would believe a fourteen year old boy who claimed to be pregnant? Harry didn't understand a whole lot about the magical world, but he knew that in the muggle world only women produced life. People would think he and Cedric were just a couple of nutters looking for attention. Really, he could have said this………but it's time for the opening credits:

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

**Well actually you get a disclaimer:**The Harry Potter Franchise and all of its characters belong to JK Rowling. Not me. I have simple borrowed the characters in order to use them in this rather odd tail which treads a very fine line between 'random, but funny' and 'the crackiest crack fic of all time.'

-there's that. Now on with the plot!

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**(That night- Gryffindor Tower) **

"What do you think?" Ron asked, handing his Divination homework to Hermione for approval.

"Day 1: going to lose a bet," she read, rolling her eyes, "day 2: A large magical anvil is going to fall from the sky and land on your left foot? Ron, are you making this up?"

"So what if I am?" Ron demanded, "Harry is too!"

"Trelawny is going to love all of the negative vibes. I predicted my own tragic demise AT LEAST six times." Harry defended himself, and his made up homework.

Hermione rolled her eyes once more. In her opinion, which she believed should be shared by all; Divination was the most useless class in existence. Not to mention the fact that Professor Trelawny was a total crock with an odd fascination with predicting death. Needless to say, Hermione Granger did not stay in this class for very long, and according to Trelawny "her inner eye did not work properly". She'd walked out in the middle of class during her third year, and had yet to regret it.

"I just don't see why you guys haven't dropped the class like I did."

For some reason, this seemed to rub Ron the wrong way. Actually, it seemed as though he'd had a very short fuse ever since Hermione had attended the Yule Ball with Victor Krum. It was almost as if he was jealous or something.

"Maybe it's because we don't all feel the same way you do! Did you ever think of that?" he demanded, "of course not! You live in Hermione-land where nobody ever disagrees with you and life is totally, blissfully BORING!"

"Hermione-land?" asked Hermione, barely containing her laughter over Ron's horrible attempt at an insult, "Are you serious?"

"No," said Harry, planning to make a really lame pun and diffuse the situation, "he's just Ron. I think Sirius is somewhere in Hogsmeade though." Yep, he thought to himself, lame pun.

"Ha! Good one Harry!" Ron laughed about two minutes later, when he finally understood the joke.

The Golden Trio went to bed shortly after that, but several hours before Ginny finally stumbled into her dorm.

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**(SOMEWHERE- Hogwarts)**

Fred and George Weasley had been walking for what seemed like hours. This was probably due to the fact that they were going in circles, a point proven as they passed the same portrait (seven midgets stacked on top of eachother) for the third time that evening.

The boys were following Roger the Imaginary Green Fairy to an undisclosed location somewhere within the depths of Hogwarts.

"Where are we going?" Fred asked George.

"I don't know," sighed George, "he won't tell me!"

"Shut your pie hole Weasel," commanded Roger, "you'll know where we're going when I want you to know where we're going."

"Yes master," the Weasley twins answered in unison. They had been ordered to refer to Roger the Imaginary Green Fairy as 'Master', or 'O Great One'.

"Silence fools." The fairy commanded, stopping at an unmarked door that the twins had never noticed before, "enter."

And so begins the tale of the room that would later become known as the Room of Requirement. Remember this room; it will have great importance as our story progresses.

Fred and George, obeying Roger's orders, entered the room and immediately felt as though they had just stepped off of a huge ledge. In all actuality, they had. The boys were in a room that was cast in total darkness and had a huge hole in the middle.

"Light your wands, imbecile!" commanded Roger.

"Lumos," the Weasley twins said as one. Immediately the ends of their wands flickered to life, illuminating the room and revealing that the hole they had just fallen into was an estimated thirty feet deep. "Whoa."

"Welcome to my Chamber of Horror- I mean, happiness and joy!" exclaimed Roger, "Now listen Earthlings as I explain your miniscule part in my masterful plan of world domination!"

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**(The Dursley's)**

"What do you mean, bankrupt?" Vernon Dursley demanded after the Message Delivery Boy delivered an important message from his boss.

"We're broke sir." The boy answered, shrinking back slightly, "there is no money."

"Do you think I'm stupid, boy?" Vernon demanded, his face turning red like it always did when he was pissed off.

"N-no, of c-course not," the boy stuttered in reply, "I'm only delivering the message my boss told me to deliver."

"Then get out of my office and send me someone who knows what's going on in this dump!"

The message delivery boy, Mark something, scurried from the room like a frightened dog with its tail between its legs.

Twenty minutes later, Vernon had already forgotten about the confrontation when his boss entered his office.

"Dursley," Mr. John J. Applebottem said loudly, commanding Vernon's complete and total attention with a single word.

"Good afternoon Mr. Applebottem," Vernon said in his patented 'kissing-up-to-the-boss' voice.

"I'm afraid that is not to be the case," Applebottem said seriously, looking grim. "I'm afraid that Grunnings is going to have to shut its doors permanently. As of tomorrow, your employment as well as the entire sector of workers under your command is terminated. You have three days to empty out your desk. So very sorry."

Dursley was stunned. This misfortune seemed like it would have the sort of power necessary to shake up his family's comfortable lifestyle, possibly as much, if not even more so than the arrival of his disgraceful nephew almost twelve years ago. Numbly, he picked up the phone to call Petunia.

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-Will Harry and Cedric figure out the clue in the golden egg? Why are Ron and Hermione fighting so much? Why is Ginny being so mysterious? What is Roger's dastardly plan? What will the Dursley's do now? Find out next week on _**The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Your Self: Harry Potter Soap Opera. **_

**_-A/N!!!!!!!!!!!_** Okay, lets not all get excited, this is only the author's note. So my attempt at using reverse psychology in order to get reviews DID NOT WORK. But that's okay, I'm learning as I go. It's groovy really. So I suppose I'll try another commonly used method of persuading you readers to give me some feedback: THREATS!!!!! Now I'm not going to physically harm anyone in anyway, that's impolite and in some cases downright mean. So here's the deal: Review, or negative vibes will follow you around for the next week and make you feel bad about the fact that you DIDN'T review. (By the way, Negative Vibes are bad. Not something you want to mess with. Trust me). I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving (if you celebrate thanksgiving. If you dont, I hope your Thursday was excellent ANYWAY!) Again, I would really love to hear from my readers. Any feedback you can provide would be awesome.

Reviews make me happy!!!!!!!!


	3. Episode 3: We Have a Delimma!

A/N- Okay, lets try something new. My attempts as reverse psychology and threatening you with negative vibes DID NOT WORK. So this time, the Authors not is AT THE BEGINNING of the chapter. In it, I will plead shamelessly for you to read and review. Here we go: please PLEASE pLeAsE PleaSe pretty please with bacon and gravy on top of it READ AND REVIEW MY STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (insert picture of a three year old holding a kitten) -that's the cute factor. NO ONE can resist the Cute factor! read. now!

_**Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (tear)**_

Hogwarts: The Soap Opera!

(Formerly titled: ME and MY Oboe)

AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.

Last time: Harry and Cedric search for clues and discuss the upcoming task. Ron and Hermione fight, as usual. Roger begins phase one of his evil plan of world domination, and Vernon Dursley loses his job.

_**Episode #3: We Have a Dilemma! **_

Sirius Black stood in the shadows of the Forbidden Forest on the grounds of Hogwarts watching silently as the Care of Magical Creatures class played with their Blast-Ended Skrewts. Though he wore a dark cloak and kept to the darkness, he felt horribly exposed as the students frolicked only mere yards from his hiding place. Sirius understood the consequences he would have to face should one of those students catch even the slightest glimpse of him, yet still he remained.

Cautiously, he pressed himself closer to the large tree he was hiding behind and carefully peered around it. Watching Lucius Malfoy's boy get dragged by his Blast-Ended Skewt was enough to bring a rare smile to his face. Continuing to watch the class, Sirius examined the faces of the students in search of the one he sought.

To his extreme displeasure, Sirius' Godson was not in class today. However, he quickly recognized the familiar red of Ron Weasley's hair and decided to improvise. Making a split second decision, Sirius stepped out of his hiding place and strolled out into the sunlight.

"Ello Ronald!" he cried in a horribly shill voice to match his recently altered appearance. Ron Weasley, as well as the rest of his class glanced in the direction of the intruder. Had he failed to produce a proficient appearance altering charm, this would be the time to run. However, since Sirius was confident he looked nothing like himself; he walked right up to Hagrid who had moved to block the students from his view.

"Hold on their sonny," the large man in front of him commanded, placing his hand on Sirius' shoulder to make any other option impossible. "Who are you and what is your purpose on these grounds?"

"It is I!" Sirius declared, he hadn't been expecting to be stopped. 'Guess Hogwarts is keener on security than it was in my day' he thought to himself. He knew that if he didn't say something soon Hagrid would suspect he was up to no good and have him escorted to the Head Master's office, where his Appearance Altering Charm would be discovered and his true identity would be exposed. This meant he had two options: come up with a reason for being here that would satisfy the Game Keeper and grant him safe passage, or cast a time freezing charm and just grab the boy. Deciding that if option one didn't work he could always fall back on option two, Sirius straightened his skirt and said, "Don't be silly Ronald, of course you remember me. I'm your great Aunt Gertrude!"

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-A/N: So I could probably explain why Sirius is dressed in drag and stalking Ron, but why would I do that when I can just as easily display this lovely-

-DISCLAIMER!!!!!! I OWN THE HARRY POTTER SERIES!!! IT'S ON MY BOOK SHELF RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! –Wait, nope, just a copy…..too bad. The Harry Potter franchise and all of its characters belong to JK Rowling. Not me. Nope, it's not mine. I have simply borrowed the characters in order to use them in this rather odd tail which treads a very fine line between 'random but funny' and 'the crackiest crack fic of all time'.

-And there it is. Ain't it great? Now on with the plot (because I totally have one this time)!!!

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Of course option one didn't work. Option one never works, in a two option situation, a person is usually forced to resort to the most difficult and dangerous of the two. That of course, was the Time Freezing Charm. One wrong wand movement and the entire time-space continuum would be thrown completely out of whack and nothing would go unchanged.

Messing with time is always a dangerous procedure. No matter how hard one works to prevent catastrophe, there's always a potential that something will go wrong and change the course of the universe. If done right however, a Time Freezing Charm would freeze everyone with in a five mile radius in the exact second it was cast, allowing Sirius the time he needed to grab Ron and get away. Once his mission was accomplished, all Sirius would have to do to end the spell and release everybody would be to say the magic word.

"Timus Freezus Nowus!"

As soon as his spell was cast Sirius grabbed Ron, dragged him into the forest, clamped a hand over the boy's mouth, and ended the spell.

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**(Outside the Head Master's Office)**

"The password is 'Lemon Drop'" Harry whispered as he and Cedric came to a stop at the giant gargoyles out side of Professor Dumbledore's office.

"Lemon Drop," Cedric repeated, looking at the gargoyles expectantly. Nothing happened. "I don't think that's the password."

"Obviously," sighed Harry, glaring at the floor in frustration, "but what could it be?"

"Hmm," Cedric said thoughtfully, attempting to place himself in Dumbledore's shoes and figure out the password, "if I were Albus Dumbledore: Head Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and one of the most powerful wizards alive, what would the password to my office be?"

Harry had no idea how to respond to this. He could simply begin saying words and hope that the door swung open. This would probably be the easiest route to take. Unfortunately, with the pregnancy and all of the hormones doing strange things to his body, Harry didn't see this. He kicked the stone gargoyle, and then sank to the floor to cry over his wounded foot.

Cedric sat beside him and began saying random things in the hope of guessing the password.

"Alabama," was his first guess, though he wasn't sure why, "barnacles," came second, followed by "Hakuna Matata," because everybody has seen The Lion King.

Despite his tears and the pain in his foot, Harry became amused by his boyfriend's horrible guesses and soon joined him.

"Dung beetle?" guessed Harry, "cantaloupe? Cilantro? Bagpipes?"

"Bagpipes?" questioned Cedric, obviously on the verge of laughter, "seriously?"

Harry shrugged helplessly, they were getting nowhere with this guessing game, and though it was funny, he was beginning to get a headache.

"If you need to speak with the headmaster," a voice from behind said, startling the boys and making them jump, "you need only to rub the belly of the gargoyle on the left." Then the headmaster strode forward to demonstrate this. "So what is this about?"

Cedric glanced at Harry, then took the younger boy's hand and held it firmly in his own as he turned to face Dumbledore.

"Well sir," he began hesitantly, "we have a bit of a dilemma."

Dumbledore listened intently as Cedric, with occasional interjections from Harry, explained the situation the two had gotten themselves into. When they were finished, the Headmaster surveyed the young wizards with interest.

"This is a dilemma." He said at last, "but I'm afraid that there's nothing I can do. The rules of the tournament clearly state that once a name comes out of the Goblet of Fire, that individual is obligated to compete. I'm sorry Mr. Potter, Mr. Diggory; it is considered a binding magical contract. My hands are completely tied. The best I can do is tell you to be careful…or have fun. Ironic, since you wouldn't be in this mess had you not neglected the first before participating in the second. Perhaps you'll apply a bit more caution next time, hmm?"

"Yes professor."

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**(Potion's Class)**

Draco Malfoy doodled absentmindedly on his notes. Never before had he been a doodler, but as of late, Draco doodled.

"Dude, what are you doing?" Crabbe asked upon seeing the strange markings on Draco's paper.

Now Vincent Crabbe may not have been the brightest crayon in the box, but even he could see that the tri-colored beaver on Draco's paper would do nothing to help him on Snape's test. In fact, if Draco didn't pull his head out soon, he, having the second highest IQ among the three friends, would be forced to take the notes.

"Not now Crabbe," Draco spat through clinched teeth, acting as if his decision to color the beaver's left ear purple rather than green actually mattered.

"You should have made it blue," commented Goyle, glancing at Draco's drawing.

"What's with you man?" Crabbe demanded.

"I'm doodling," replied Malfoy, demonstrating this as he named his beaver Heinrich and inscribed it above his drawing.

"You're doodling," Crabbe said in disbelief, speaking much louder than necessary, thus drawing an audience, "you're doodling? You don't doodle. You insult my intelligence, you treat everyone around you like crap, you are a complete pain in the ass- but you don't doodle!"

"Crabbe-," Draco said quietly, putting down in quill and attempting to interrupt his friend's rant.

"You. Do. Not. Doodle!"

"Crabbe," Draco sighed in annoyance as the potions master made his way across the room, "I doodle. What of it?"

"Is there a problem Mr. Malfoy?" Snape asked, his custom glare hitting them full force as he looked down his long greasy nose into their cauldron, which gurgled pathetically. The potions master gripped the corner of Draco's ingredient list, which just happened to be what the boy was doodling on, "tell me, after you added the Flamhooper bark; did you remember to stir three times to the right, twice to the left, and once more to the right?"

The three fourth year Slytherins looked at each other, silently pleading with the others to admit to having remembered this step.

"I didn't think so," sneered Snape, "even Longbottem remembered that one. Add three cups of baking soda, two large eggs, and stir until the potion turns bright orange. Then follow the instructions from step thirteen."

"Yes professor."

As soon as the professor was gone, Draco turned on his minions, who shrunk back in fear.

"You two are completely useless!" he ranted, slamming his fist on the table just as Crabbe was picking up one of the eggs that Snape had left for them to add to the potion. "Crabbe!" He shouted, making the larger boy jump and stumble forward, "Don't touch anything!" Unable to stop himself, Crabbe fell forward and knocked over the cauldron, spilling its contents out on the floor.

Screams of pain began to echo throughout the dungeon as the potion Crabbe had spilled began to spread and effect the other students.

'Being the potions master has some perks,' Snape sighed to himself as his classroom exploded into chaos. He whipped out his wand, "Nobody move," he commanded. He began to mutter the spells that would stop the spreading potion in its tracks, then cause it to flow backwards until it reentered Malfoy's cauldron where it would remain safely out of the way until he dealt with the student's injuries. He had been trained, and Severus Snape was prepared for situations such as this.

Unfortunately, Snape had neglected to examine the potion in question and therefore was unprepared to deal with certain aspects of the cleanup. As he surveyed the now potionless dungeon he discovered, to his extreme dismay, that he majority of his students were missing. Taking their place were a bunch of cute, fluffy, terrifying bunnies.

Oh how Severus Snape hated bunnies, there was just something about them that made his squirm. Quickly, he realized that he was going to need some back-up.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**(Teacher's Lounge)**

Professors Dumbledore, Flitwick and Moody were gathered in the teacher's lounge for a secret meeting. Secret, meaning, no girls or Snape's allowed; meeting, meaning that they had no classes or other obligations, and were therefore totally immersed in the act of Chillaxing on the various couches that were available in the lounge.

Moody was totally zonked out on a puffy blue-plaid couch in the far corner of the room, he made a spectacle of himself by snoring loudly and muttering something about 'constant vigilance' in his sleep.

Dumbledore and Flitwick were discussing the Potter/Diggory situation, when Severus Snape crashed though the door and effectively crashed the 'Secret Meeting'.

"B-b-b-bunnies!" he wailed, grabbing the attention of his colleagues and effectively waking Mad-Eye Moody, "In the dungeon!"

"Bunnies in the dungeon?" asked Flitwick, expecting some sort of clever riddle, "what on earth?"

"Bunnies?" Moody asked, looking to Dumbledore rather than Snape for confirmation.

"Severus hates bunnies," Dumbledore informed the old auror, who smirked. The headmaster turned back to Snape, "why are there bunnies in the dungeon?"

"Spilled potion." Snape explained, "Turned all of the 4th years from Slytherin and Gryffindor into bunnies."

"In that case," declared tiny Professor Flitwick, "let us round them up and change them back, shall we?"

And so, bracing themselves for the difficult task they were about to embark on, Professors Dumbledore, Flitwick, Moody and Snape marched off the dungeons to capture the bunnies. After stuffing them all into a large crate, Dumbledore muttered a complicated spell that only he knew, and restored the students to their original forms.

"I'm taking fifty points from Slytherin because Crabbe turned half of the fourth year class into bunnies with his ill-made potion." Snape informed the class, surprising them by taking points from his own house for the first time in history, "now leave."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**(Grounds of Hogwarts)**

After her exciting day as a bunny, Hermione Granger was eager for her meeting with Victor Krum during the afternoon break.

"That is very funny," Krum said in his wonderful accent after she explained exactly what had occurred and how the potions master had freaked out at the sight of so many rabbits, "what is so funny about a cute little bunny rabbit?"

"I don't know!" Hermione cackled. Moments like this were the reason she enjoyed spending time with Victor. Not because he was a famous quidditch player and all of the other girls were incredibly jealous, or even because she wished to be more than friends –she didn't, but because of their easy companionship.

The same easy companionship she had once shared with Ron and Harry, before Harry had become so secretive and Ron hit puberty. She wondered, not for the first time, what had gotten into her two friends. Then she caught herself and vowed that they had no place here. Today, this afternoon, was Hermione Granger and Victor Krum time, and she was determined to enjoy it.

Hermione closed her eyes, leaned up against a tree, and listened contently as Victor told stories of growing up in Bulgaria. She couldn't have been happier.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**(Cave- Outside Hogsmeade)**

"Alright," Ron demanded when the old woman, who was obviously a middle aged man in drag, sat him down, "who are you and what do you want?"

The woman bustled around in the cave, arranging and rearranging various items that had been strewn about; all the while ignoring her, for lack of a better description, prisoner.

"Come on you old bat, say something!" Ron exclaimed, staring in horror as the woman did something involving fire, tea leaves, and a fountain of water out of her wand.

Finally, the woman turned to face Ron, who braced for the pain he suspected was about to be inflicted upon him. However, a quick examination of the woman's hand taught him that rather than some device of excruciating torture, she held a cup of tea.

"Cuppa tea?" the woman asked cheerfully, raising her wand and transforming her features until the person who sat before Ron became familiar.

"Sirius!"

"Hello Ronald," Sirius said, sitting down on a comfortable patch of dirt, "how are things up at the school?"

For the next half hour, Ron filled Sirius in on everything that had taken place since the school year had began. Sirius listened intently until he was finished, laughing at all the appropriate places.

When Ron was finished, it was Sirius' turn to speak.

"Ron, Harry isn't writing to me. Frankly, I'm starting to worry about him, we discussed some things before the first task, but he hasn't spoke to me since. He's not returning my letters, and I have no idea what's going on. I'd really like for you to keep me informed, do you think you could do that?"

Ron could find nothing difficult about this request, so he agreed to keep Sirius informed on the goings on at Hogwarts. After that, he returned to the castle, where his absence from potions had been noticed and he received a detention.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**(Smeltings School for Boys- London)**

"Hello Mrs. Dursley," Madame Crabtree, second lieutenant Secretary of Smeltings greeted Petunia as she walked into the office, "I'm sorry for your inconvenience, but it seems as though your son Dudley had developed some sort of rash on his left arm. We're afraid that it could be something contagious, and we don't want to risk infecting the other children.

"W-where is he?" Petunia demanded, automatically assuming the worst about her precious son.

"I'm here mum," Dudley answered in a weak voice, obviously milking the situation for all it was worth. His mother ran to his side and grabbed his hand.

"Everything is going to be alright Diddy Darling!" she wailed, invoking his childhood nickname as she pressed her face into the boy's shoulder.

"Mum it hurts," he whispered, "it hurts really bad."

"Don't just stand there!" Petunia screeched at Madame Crabtree, who indeed, was just standing there, "Do something!"

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**(Hogwarts- after supper)**

Cedric Diggory was walking back to his dorm after dinner three nights before the second task, when he heard his name called through the open door of an empty classroom.

"Diggory, come in here for a moment."

Having intended to go back to his dorm, drop off his school books, then meet Harry in the library to do some more research, Cedric hesitated. He would have declined, except it was Professor Moody, who scared him a little.

Glancing longingly in the direction he had originally been headed, he entered the classroom.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

-How will pregnant Harry compete in the second task? Why is Draco doodling? Do Dumbledore and Flitwick have a solution to the Potter/Diggory situation? Will Hermione and Krum last? Why is Ron being such a douchebag? What's wrong with Dudley? And what does Moody want with Cedric? Find out next week on _**The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Your Self: Harry Potter Soap Opera. **_


	4. Episode 4: The Game!

The Fourth chapter of Hogwarts: The Comedic Soap Opera

_**Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (tear)**_

Hogwarts: The Soap Opera!

(Formerly titled: ME and MY Oboe)

AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.

_**Last time**_: _I don't really remember what happened……_kidding_. Sirius Black dresses in drag, freezes time and kid naps Ron. Harry and Cedric explain their problem to Dumbledore only to be told to that they should have been more careful, and there is nothing he can do. Draco doodles, Crabbe turns the whole class into bunnies, and Snape runs from the classroom screaming. Dudley gets a rash._

Episode #4: The Game!

* * *

(**Third Year Girls Dorm**)

"Ginny," Elizabeth asked as she stood in front of a big mirror attempting to straighten her hair, "do you play the game?"

Ginny Weasley, who was rushing to finish an essay that had been assigned two days ago, didn't have any idea what her roommate was talking about, so she chose to pretend she hadn't heard.

"Crap!" exclaimed Mara, Cassandra and Becky.

"Ha!" Elizabeth laughed, "You all lose!"

"I guess Ginny doesn't play the game," sighed Becky, "what a loser!"

* * *

_Disclaimer: The Harry Potter franchise and all of its characters belong to JK Rowling. Not me. Nope, it's not mine. I have simply borrowed the characters in order to use them in this rather odd tail which treads a very fine line between 'random but funny' and 'the crackiest crack fic of all time'._

A/N Concerning The Game: Rule 1.) You ARE playing The Game. Rule 2.) When you think about The Game you lose. Rule 3.) Loss of The Game must be reported. (it's very common, you can Google it).

-Also, I just lost The Game

* * *

(**Great Hall**)

"So apparently there's this game and everyone's playing it. The thing is though, you can't think about it. You lose every time you think about it," After leaving her dorm Ginny had been unable to think of anything BUT The Game, much less her Charms essay. She was now in the Great Hall talking to Hermione.

"You mean the entire point of this- game is for you to forget that you're playing it?" Hermione questioned, making Ginny cringe as she once again, lost The Game. "Well that seems rather pointless, now doesn't it?"

"Crap," complained Ron as he sat across from Hermione, "I lost again!"

* * *

(**Random Corridor containing a closet**)

"Psst!"

Harry glanced around; he was the only person in the corridor. "Who's there?" he demanded, turning circles in an attempt to spot whoever had spoken to him. Suddenly someone grabbed his arm from behind and pulled him into a closet, "who are you and why are we in a closet?"

Of course, all of his questions were answered when he turned around.

"Cedric?" he asked, not sure whether to laugh or be serious, "um, why are we in a closet?"

"Hey," the older boy said in greeting, glancing nervously at the door as though expecting Dumbledore himself to burst in at any moment. He wasn't sure how to explain what he needed to say, but decided to just spit it out, "you should try listening to your egg underwater."

Aside from wondering why he hadn't paid more attention to 1500 Billion Reasons Why You Don't Understand the Really Obvious Clue Inside Your Magical Egg, and instead of wondering where Cedric had come across this information, Harry was already stressing about the fact that he would have to take a bath. A thing that was actually quite difficult, as only teachers and Prefects had access to baths, everyone else got showers.

"You know," Cedric continued, not sure whether or not Harry understood, "take a bath with it."

"Er-" Harry began to say, he stopped when he realized that he had no idea how to complete the sentence. He decided to go with, "you drug me into a closet to tell me to take a bath?"

"Um-" said Cedric, suddenly realizing the ridiculousness of the situation he smiled, "apparently yes."

"Just checking," replied Harry, also grinning as Cedric caught is eye. Before long, the two could barely stand due to their hysterical laughter.

Eventually they decided to leave the closet, but meet later that night at the entrance to the Prefect's bathroom.

* * *

(**Divination Tower**)

"Stupify," Fred Weasley shouted, effectively stunning the woman he had been instructed to stun. He and his brother George cast the other spells required to make the woman float through the air and become invisible.

"I wonder why Roger wants Trelawny," George mused as they floated the body along the corridor towards 'The Chamber of Horror', AKA, the room of requirement. "What could he possibly gain from kidnapping this woman?" As the twins turned a corner, Fred answered cryptically.

"If we are meant to know, the master will inform up. In the meantime George, could you get that door?"

They had arrived at their destination. Entering the room, Fred sat Trelawny down on the floor, then stood expectantly at attention as Roger inspected his prize. After five agonizing minutes of anxiously awaiting a verdict, Roger approached the twins.

"Very good boys," he said, "you may cast this one into the Chamber of Horror." Without being asked, the imaginary green fairy indicated the big pit in the center of the room.

Fred once again, used magic to lift the divination teacher and carefully floated her over the ledge where, he released her into the pit.

"Now you may go." Roger announced, "I shall inform you when I next require your services."

As the twins left the room of requirement, they failed to notice that the couple making out behind the statue across the hall was actually their sister, and the seeker on the Slytherin quidditch team.

* * *

(**Behind the statue after the twins pass**)

"Weren't those your brothers?" Draco asked when he came up for breath, well after the twins had passed. The red head in his arms shrugged and took this opportunity to straighten her outfit and check her watch.

"Shit! I have charms in like, two minutes!" she exclaimed in alarm.

"I'll see you later." The girl told Draco gently moving him out of her way as she hurried down the corridor. He waved at her retreating form, then realized what he was doing and put his hand down.

"What am I doing?" he muttered to himself as he made his way toward the Slytherin Common Room. He'd read the Daily Prophet that morning, paying close attention to the wonderful articles by Rita Skeeter about the Potter/Granger/Krum triangle, and the 'Hagrid is part Giant' piece. Had provided some lovely interviews in fact. He wondered vaguely what she'd write if Rita ever found out that he was dating Arthur Weasley's daughter. Laughing slightly as he prepared to enter the Slytherin tower, "I must be completely mental."

* * *

(**After History of magic**)

Ron glared in annoyance as he walked out of History of Magic with Harry and Hermione and was met by Victor Krum. Upon seeing Hermione, Krum immediately rushed to her forward to grab her hand so that he could escort her to her next class.

"It's like she expects You-Know-Who to show up and try to kill her or something," Ron muttered to Harry as the two hung back to allow Hermione and Krum some privacy. Harry laughed dryly; he knew that Krum's over-protectiveness had more to do with him than anything else. "What, you think it's funny?"

"No Ron," sighed Harry, "but you did read that article in the Prophet, didn't you? The one about our supposed love triangle? Krum probably thinks that I'll try something if he isn't there to witness Hermione's every move."

"So it's your fault!" exclaimed Ron, attempting to sound annoyed by his friends actions, though he was actually making a joke. Unfortunately, Harry wasn't in the mood for joking. He thought that Ron was seriously blaming him. "Dude, I'm just kidding."

"Really not funny, Ron," Harry complained, glaring at his friend. "I thought you were serious."

"I know it's not your fault that Rita Skeeter is out to ruin everybody's life," Ron told his friend, "I just wish there was something we could do to stop her, and that Krum would leave Hermione alone."

Harry was barely listening; his mind was cluttered with everything imaginable ranging from the recently assigned essay in History of Magic, to his up coming visit to the Prefects bathroom. He wished that he and Cedric could be publicly seen as a couple the way that Krum and Hermione were, and that Ron would give Hermione a break.

When Ron finally tuned in to the fact that his friend wasn't paying attention, he began to watch him more closely. He noticed that Harry seemed to be looking for someone within the throngs of students on their way to class, and seemed very distracted. He made a mental note to mention it in his next letter to Sirius (Great Aunt Gertrude).

"Who wants to hit the library tonight after dinner?" Hermione asked, suddenly remembering her two friends. Krum agreed immediately, Ron groaned, and Harry wasn't paying enough attention to realize he was being spoken to. Hermione noticed this, but went back to her conversation with Krum and acted as though she hadn't.

As the four reached Defense Against the Dark Arts, Krum gave Hermione a kiss worthy of the movies, while Ron glared angrily at the canoodling couple.

Thirty minutes into Professor Moody's lecture on some aspect of constant vigilance, there was a knock on the door. Collin Creevey entered the room and looked around, not quite as nervous as the time he had come to collect Harry from potions class, but nervous none the less.

"What?" Demanded the old Auror.

"Sir, the headmaster would like to see Harry Potter." Creevey told the professor. Without a word; harry rose from his seat, gathered his things and exited the classroom. Collin waited until they were in the corridor before asking, "any idea what they want this time?" Harry shook his head and allowed the third year to lead him to the stone gargoyle outside of Dumbledore's office, then reached up and scratched the area behind the left one's right ear. "Amazing isn't it?" Creevey asked as the gargoyles moved aside to allow them passage.

"That will be all Mr. Creevey," Dumbledore said before the third year took five steps into the office, "you may go back to class now."

"Yes professor." Collin said and obeyed, leaving Harry alone gazing up the long stair case at Albus Dumbledore.

"Come along then Potter," the headmaster commanded. When he reached the top, Harry found that he and Dumbledore weren't alone after all. "Good, we're all here now." Dumbledore said with a cheery smile, "Mr. Potter, why don't you take a seat next to Mr. Diggory so that we may begin." Harry sat. "So of the professors and myself have been giving your – Unique situation a great deal of thought. We believe that we may have come up with a solution." Harry glanced at Cedric, who shrugged and eyed Dumbledore (who had begun to dig for something in his pocket) very suspiciously. Finally Dumbledore pulled out a vile containing a bright purple potion and sat it on his desk.

"We have yet to come up with a name for this potion, but theoretically, it should allow you to deposit your child in the large jar on the shelf behind you. That way, whatever you are required to do in the second task will not harm the fetus, and it will remain safe until you have finished."

Harry picked up the jar Dumbledore had indicated. As he turned it over and over in his hands, he wondered if the solution could really be that simple.

"Theoretically?" Cedric questioned, his eyes roaming back and forth between the purple potion and the large jar in Harry's hands.

"It's better than the alternative," declared Dumbledore, pushing the vile of fluid toward them, though not saying exactly what the 'alternative' was. "I recommend you take that it seven o'clock tonight."

"Thank you professor," said Cedric, sliding the potion into the pocket of his robes, "sir, if it's alright with you could we just head on the Great Hall? There's only about ten minutes till supper."

* * *

(**After Supper**)

After supper, the two travelled under the invisibility cloak to the Prefects bathroom. There they learned the secret of the egg and began to figure out how the task would best be accomplished. Then, at exactly seven, Harry took the potion. After that, the two engaged in an intense snogging session until they decided that if they were to get any work done they would have to split up. Cedric went back to his dorm, and Harry joined Ron and Hermione in the library.

* * *

(**Hospital in London**)

The large blisters that had replaced the rash on Dudley's arm had consistently stumped every doctor who had been in to see him.

"We need to run some more tests," a doctor told Petunia.

She couldn't remember the man's name, but remembered the large mole beneath his upper lip. "do you know what's wrong with my son or don't you?"

"Tests for what?" Vernon Dursley demanded, glaring at Dr. Lipmole.

"It could be any number of things, sir," the doctor replied, "that's why we want to run some more tests."

"Can't you at least give him something for the pain?" Petunia asked, gazing at the pathetic look on her son's face.

"It's already been taken care of ma'am." As the doctor left the room, Petunia swore she heard him mutter something to his assistant involving the word 'amputate'.

* * *

-What exactly is The Game, and why is everybody playing it? Who will be the next unfortunate victim of the Chamber of Horror? Draco and Ginny? Seriously????? Will Dumbledore's potion work? Will Cedric and Harry be successful in the upcoming task? Will Dudley Dursley lose his arm? Find out next time on _**The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Your Self: Harry Potter Soap Opera. **_

**_-_**A/N: I sincerely apologize for any major mistakes that appear in this chapter. This last week has been awful, I've had at least two major project due each day, which has resulted in my current lack of sleep. In fact, I'm currently procrastinating on another project I should probably be working on right now. Anyway, I will probably read through this tomorrow and be absolutely horrified by the stupid mistakes I might have made, but I just really wanted to get this up. This chapter has been mostly amusing filler (i hope) and character developement. Next weeks episode gets better (with the second task and whatnot), I promise. So please look past any spelling/grammar/word choice errors, and enjoy AND review. thanks.


	5. Episode 5: The Second Task!

_**Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (tear)**_

Hogwarts: The Soap Opera!

(Formerly titled: ME and MY Oboe)

AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.

_Last Time: Hogwarts begins to play the game, the Chamber of Horror's receives its first victim, the relationship between Draco and Ginny is revealed, Dumbledore gives Harry a potion that he hopes will help, and Dudley's rash gets worse._

Episode #5

* * *

**(Dumbledore's office: Night before the second task).**

"What do we do when the people two of the champions will miss the most are each other?" Professor McGonagall asked Dumbledore. It was the night before the second task and the Headmaster and his Deputy were attempting to decide who among the champions loved ones to jinx and tie up at the bottom of the lake. "Who will save them?"

"I say we grab Harry's best friend, Fleur's sister, and the two girls Victor and Cedric went to the Yule ball with," declared Dumbledore, pulling each name out of the Sorting Hat.

"Sounds good enough to me," agreed Minerva McGonagall, "I'll send someone to collect Ms. Granger, Ms. Chang and Mr. Weasley."

"And I'll have Madame Maxime send for Fleur's sister," concluded Dumbledore.

* * *

Opening Credits!!!!!!!

THEME SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine.

Author's Note: THE GAME

EVERYONE ELSE: Damn! I lost.

* * *

**(2am the morning of the second task)**

Harry had felt slightly queasy since he'd taken the potion the night before. Now he felt positively sick. There was a burning sensation in the pit of his stomach, and he knew instinctively that regurgitation was imminent. Harry pulled the large jar Dumbledore had given him out of his bag and set it on the table before him.

Suddenly glad that Ron and Hermione were not around to ask awkward questions that he did not want to answer, Harry lifted the jar to his mouth and released the contents of his stomach. When he was finished, he looked into the jar.

There, floating in a sea of purple fluid was his child. At this point, it kind of resembled a little fish as it swam around the jar. The fourth year Gryffindor was immediately overcome with affection for the tiny creature, and wished that Cedric were there to share the moment.

* * *

**(8 hrs later)**

With the help of Dobby the House-Elf and some last minute Gillyweed, Harry arrived at the lake exactly five minutes before the task was to begin. He entrusted the jar and it precious contents to the more than capable hands of professor McGonagall, then took his place on the dock between Krum and Cedric.

"What took you so long?" Cedric asked as Dumbledore informed the rest of the student body on what the task would entail.

"Had a baby, fell asleep," Harry said simply.

The look on Cedric's face as Harry told him this was priceless. The other boy was excited, overwhelmed, and eager to complete the task so that he could meet his offspring. Also that he was nervous about becoming a father, tired from staying up all night researching way to breath underwater, and regretting the he had not been there the first time Harry laid eyes on their child. Finally, a tiny part of him worried that one of them wouldn't survive the tournament, and that his family wouldn't accept him when they discovered his secret.

"…on your marks, get set, GO!" shouted Dumbledore's magically amplified voice.

Every champion except for Harry dove into the lake. Harry shoved his Gillyweed into his mouth, swallowed it, sprouted gills, and dove in.

The water got increasingly warmer as he dove deeper and deeper into the lake until he heard the same voices that had come from the egg. They said that thirty minutes had already passed. Still he travelled deeper into the depths of the lake to the place where the merepeople lived.

As the meresong grew louder, Harry began to see little green men everywhere. There were little green women too, and all of the little green people seemed determined to harass him.

"Doth thou seeketh the Holy Toaster Strudel?" demanded a little green man with a big spear, "how speeketh thee?"

Other merepeople seemed to be slightly more helpful, they simply pointed in the direction Harry assumed he was supposed to go.

Finally he saw what he was looking for. Tied to large rocks in a clearing were Ron, Hermione, Cho, and some blond person Harry had never seen before. As he approached the hostages, Cedric came flying (swimming quickly) toward them.

"Hurry," the other boy mouthed as he picked up a rock and began hacking away at Cho's ropes.

When at last she was free, Cedric dropped the rock, glanced back at Harry, and then took off toward the surface.

Harry picked up Cedric's discarded rock and tried to cut Hermione loose, but was pushed away be the odd merman who had spoken of the Holy Toaster Strudel, whatever that was.

"Ooh! Denied!" laughed a couple of teenaged merepeople, highfiving each other for no apparent reason.

Eventually Krum showed up and attempted to eat Hermione, and then Harry grabbed Ron and the Strange blond person and headed up as well.

As they reached the surface, they found that Fleur was totally spazzing out over the blond person she had failed to save due to being attacked by Giddylows. Upon discovering that Harry had 'saved' her from a potentially watery grave, Fleur went on a rampage kissing everything in sight.

Ron was soon telling every that he had single-handedly saved himself and Fleur's blond person, and Krum was picking bugs out of Hermione's hair like an over-grown monkey. Cedric won first place for being the first to return with his hostage, Harry got second for showing 'outstanding moral fiber' (saving the blond person), Krum got third for returning with a hostage, and Fleur got a few pity points.

"The Hogwarts champions are tied for first place," exclaimed Ludo Bagman, who had been there the whole time but had yet to do anything important, "I'll bet no one say that coming."

While Krum attempted to occupy every bit of Hermione's attention that she would allow and Ron continued to regale his crowd of admirers with his heroic tale of awesome-ness, Harry led Cedric away from the lake as they went in search of Professor McGonagall.

They found her halfway between Hagrid's Hut and the Castle. The poor woman appeared nervous and slightly agitated.

"Good. Mr. Potter, Mr. Diggory, if the two of you could follow me please." She said, careful to keep all tone and emotion out of her voice.

"What's wrong Professor?" Cedric asked using his best 'I-am-a-big-suck-up-you-can-tell-me-anything' voice.

"Madame Pomfrey will explain everything."

* * *

**(In the Stands, Over by the lake-after the task)**

"Yes!" Ginny exclaimed, her excitement slightly delayed, "another Hogwarts victory!" As expected, all of her friends stared in disbelief. The task ended 20 minutes ago and this was the first time that the Weasley had spoken.

"Where have you been, Weasley?" demanded Ginny's friend Cassandra.

"Yeah girl!" agreed Mara, "The scores were announced like, fifteen minutes ago!"

Ginny, being a Weasley, had learned all sorts of nifty tricks from her brother. Tricks such as making one's nose hair grow in ringlets, or creating an illusion using only spray cheese and a piece of string. These same brothers had also introduced her to the art of sleeping with her eyes open, and helped her to master it.

"I can't believe that the thing Harry Potter values the most is YOUR BROTHER!" exclaimed Becky, "when he came out of the lake with an arm-load of Boy-Weasley I was like, 'dude, are you serious?'"

"She was," confirmed Elizabeth, "but I thought it was sweet."

The red-headed Weasley girl had, in fact, missed all of this. Though her eyes were open, her mind had been reliving the previous evening in such vivid detail, she was amazed she hadn't cried out.

She and Draco had snuck out of their dorms slightly after midnight, then met at the entrance to a secret passage way she had discovered the second day of her first year. She still hadn't explored it enough to know where it led, but it was a great place to make out….among other things.

"Hey Red, can you hear me?" demanded Elizabeth, "I said that we should probably start heading toward the castle, unless we want to be the last ones out here."

A quick glance at the slowly emptying bleachers proved this.

"Jeez, you've been such a space case lately," Cassandra complained when Ginny failed to react as quickly as the other girls would have liked.

"Where were you last night anyway?" asked Becky, "and do not even try to talk your way out, I know that your bed was empty."

Alas, another detail Ginny had missed. The girl truly was becoming careless. She had believed that her absences from the dorm had gone totally unnoticed. In fact, this was the first time anyone had even brought it up. Fighting the urge to panic and tell all, Ginny took a deep breath.

"I fancied a midnight stroll," she answered with a shrug, "what of it?"

Cassandra, Elizabeth, Becky and Mara all exchanged looks that clearly said that someone was lying.

"A midnight stroll that kept you out till 6am?" Mara asked, thoroughly unconvinced, "what did you do, walk all the way around England?"

As the girls reached the front door of the castle, Ginny held the door open and answered.

"So what if I did?"

"Well then," Cassandra was the first to respond, "You've accomplished a world record, well done. However, I find it much more likely that you have a boyfriend whom you are sneaking out to go snog at all hours of the morning."

BAM. Cassie had just hit the nail on the head…but Ginny certainly wasn't going to tell her that.

"Further more," the girl continued, "I think that it's a Slytherin. Why else would you feel the need to sneak around and make us play guessing games?"

"That's it, isn't it? You're dating a Slytherin, aren't you?" Mara said this much louder than she had intended, but the stricken look on Ginny's face spoke volumes. The red-head clapped her hands over her face, and bolted.

"Merlin Mara," scolded Becky, "do you think you could have said that any louder?"

"I don't think anybody heard you," Elizabeth said, hastily glancing around.

"We should go find her," concluded Cassandra.

* * *

**(Large group of Slytherins)**

"That's it, isn't it? You're dating a Slytherin aren't you?"

Even on the complete opposite side of the Great Hall, the words made Draco Malfoy stop in his tracks. The red-head had blown it. He would need to have some words with her. In the mean time however, Draco needed to cover his own ass. "Alright, which one of you idiots is dating a Gryfindork?"

The loud choruses of 'Not me' were almost overwhelming, as no self-respecting Slytherin would ever even consider dating a Gryffindor.

"Blood traitors and Mud-bloods," shouted someone, "the whole lot of 'em!"

* * *

**(Gryffindor Common Room)**

The Gryffindors were having a party to celebrate the victory of their champion, who had yet to show up. Ron Weasley, however, was once again regaling several fifth year girls with the tail of his daring escape from the bottom of the lake. By this time, he was telling everybody about how Dumbledore had drugged all of the hostages and that shortly after being arranged at the bottom of the lake, he had regained consciousness and realized that he needed to save everybody.

From across the room, Hermione Granger glared at him. She alone knew what he had been through. Dumbledore had charmed them all to sleep, placed them in the lake, and they had awoken as soon as their heads cleared the waters surface as their champions rescued them. Ron's story was crap, and for some reason that pissed her off. She considered telling her version, but was interrupted when Neville Longbottem sprouted feathers.

"Canary creams!" announced one of the Weasley twins. The other twin held up an order form and explained quantity and cost. Then said something about a future joke shop.

After that, somebody said 'The Game,' causing everyone to say 'crap,' because they lost.

Rolling her eyes, Hermione wondered where Harry had gone. She hadn't seen him since the task and was beginning to worry. She wanted to congratulate him on figuring out the clue, but she was tired.

Deciding that congratulations could wait, Hermione ascended the stairs to the girl's dormitory.

* * *

-What is wrong with Harry and Cedric's baby? What sort of words are Draco planning to have with Ginny? Where was Roger? Who will win The Game? Tune in next week for The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself: Harry Potter Soap Opera.

-A/N: soo sorry that this chapter is almost two weeks late! I've been so busy that i just couldnt make the time. Wanted to...couldnt. Sorry about all of the spelling and grammer mistakes, I typed this chapter at like, one in the morning. Apparently my fingers were not cooperating with my brain. Also, the chapter was originally supposed to include some more of the Dursley's drama. Something about how Vernon lost his job, and therefore his health insurance and how they wouldnt be able to afford Dudley's treatment....then I learned that England has something along the lines of national health care. So that didnt work out, but I'm pretty sure there will be more Dudley in the next chapter. Thanks soo much to those of you who read, and double thanks to those of you who review. Your reviews encourage me. Thanks for that. Since you've already taken the time to read all the way through this story (including this author's note!) why dont you take a few more minutes to click that highly clickable blue button and send me a review! (again, begging shamelessly!)


	6. Episode 6: Unexpected Developments!

_**Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (tear)**_

Hogwarts: The Soap Opera!

(Formerly titled: ME and MY Oboe)

AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.

_Last time: Harry had his child. The second task took place. Ron made up stories Hermione glares at him.. Malfoy over reacted to something one of Ginny's friends said in the Great Hall. The Weasley Twins caused Neville to Sprout Feathers. Harry and Cedric learned that something was wrong with their child._

Episode #6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Please read and review.

* * *

(Owlery)

"_Dear Aunt Gertrude,"_ Ron's letter to Sirius began, _"you'll never believe it. Harry Potter came in second in the second task of the Triwizard Tournament! Now he is tied for first place with Cedric Diggory, the OTHER Hogwarts Champion. They had to rescue hostages from the bottom of the Black Lake. It was AWESOME! I think its swell that Hogwarts is in the lead, though Harry and Cedric seem rather depressed about it. Love, Ron." _Yes, Ron decided, that would satisfy Sirius for now.

The youngest boy-Weasley had been severely slacking on his promise to spy on his best friend and tell Sirius about it. He had his own problems to deal with, and other people he would rather be spying on.

Mainly, Hermione Granger and Victor Krum. Ron knew he was just being jealous and that the two of them probably wouldn't do anything serious, but that didn't make it any easier to watch.

Over the summer, Ron's parents had sat him down and they'd had a discussion that had affected the way he thought about all of his friendships. He'd been behaving differently toward Harry and Hermione as well. That was probably part of the reason they didn't want to be around him as much anymore.

He truly wished his parents had chosen to withhold that particular piece of information.

Tying the letter to the leg of a school owl, Ron watched as the bird flew further and further, until it disappeared over the horizon.

* * *

Theme song!

Disclaimer!

The Game = you all lose!

**

* * *

****(Gryffindor Common Room)**

"Harry, what's wrong?" Hermione demanded after a full ten minutes of watching the boy pace around the common room, "Stop pacing! You look like you haven't slept in weeks, and I know there's something you're not telling me."

"I'm fine Hermione," said Harry. The startled look on his face, and the fact that he kept pacing said differently. Hermione gave him a stern look that clearly said that she didn't believe him.

"No you're not," she said quietly, patting the couch next to herself, "sit down."

Harry sat.

"What's going on?" Hermione asked, scooting close and lowering her voice, "is it about the tournament? School work? Cedric?" Harry shook his head at every suggestion, but made no move to correct her; choosing instead to stare intently at the floor in front of him.

"What is it then Harry?" Hermione asked desperately, "I'm terrible at guessing, but I want to help!"

"I had a baby," Harry said finally. He looked up to see Hermione's reaction to this news.

The girl was stunned, to say the least. She hadn't even known he was pregnant, since he hadn't said anything to her about it. She was also reasonably sure that he was male, and therefore unable to create life.

"Er, Harry," Hermione said hesitatingly, "you're a boy."

"I know that Hermione!" Harry practically shouted, lowering his voice he continued, "I don't need you to tell me my gender. I don't know how I got pregnant. Perhaps it was something in the water, or the way the moon was aligned with Jupiter. The point is, I don't know! All I know is that I had a baby. Dumbledore gave me a potion to take before the second task so that the child would not come to any task-related harm. I regurgitated it into a big jar, and had McGonagall hold on to it while I was in the lake. After that, she led Cedric and me to the Hospital Wing where Madame Pomfrey explained that the potion had accelerated the child's growth and that it will never be able to live outside the jar." Harry cried softly as he told the story.

By the time he finished, Hermione was crying as well. The thought that her friend had recently gone through so much pain distressed her greatly.

"What does Cedric think?" she asked, dabbing her eyes with her sleeve.

"He's angry with Dumbledore for giving us the potion, but he's supportive."

"I think I'd like to see this, 'Jarbaby'," Hermione told Harry, a smile slowly spreading itself onto her face, "which one of you does he look like?"

"You'll have to tell me."

**

* * *

****(Ginny's Secret Passage way)**

"Ow," Groaned Ginny, after Draco slammed her up against a wall. "I didn't tell them your name!"

"Like I'm going to believe that, you filthy blood-traitor!" the boy shouted, driving his fist as hard as he could into the third year girl's stomach. "You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?" Draco said as he hit her again.

Bracing for more pain, Ginny was shocked when her boyfriend (who had just beaten her savagely) gently caressed the bruise that was forming beneath her left eye, his face softening as he did so.

"I'm sorry," he murmured hoarsely, pushing her hair off of her tear-stained face, "I hate it when you make me hit you." Ginny said nothing as the boy gently pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. The poor girl was in shock! She didn't know what she was doing with Malfoy in the first place, but this was the first time he'd ever gone off on her like this. "Please don't tell anyone about this," he whispered into her hair as he held her close, "I promise it won't happen again."

Ginny nodded, willing to believe almost anything he told her.

**

* * *

****(Slytherin Dorms)**

After beating the crap out of his girlfriend, Draco sat on his bed in his dormitory for a long time reliving the event over and over and feeling horrible. He knew he had done something unforgivable and was ashamed to discover that he had inherited his father's temper and low tolerance for mistakes.

Getting up, Draco walked into the bathroom and stared at his tear-stained reflection in the mirror.

"I can't hit her again," he whispered as he reached for the razor blade he had only just recently begun to need. He rolled up his sleeve to reveal the familiar mass of scars from his previous pity parties, and positioned the razor over his arm so that he wouldn't hit any arteries. As he made the first cut of the evening, Draco whispered to his reflection, "I won't!"

**

* * *

****(Ginny's Secret passage way)**

Ginny lay curled up against the wall of her own personal secret passage way crying her eyes out. She knew that this was abuse and that it was wrong; but at the same time, she was a thirteen year old girl who was convinced that she was in love with a fourteen year old boy. She didn't know what to do, who to talk to, or where to.

Then she something she had seen in the Daily Prophet that morning. 'Dear Abbey', an advice column written by Monks. Digging through her school bag, Ginny got out a quill and some parchment, penned a quick letter explaining her situation, signed it 'Little Red' and got up to take it to the Owlery.

However, before she went anywhere, she needed to cover up the bruises on her face. Pointing her want at each on, she muttered 'Bruisus Coverupus'. A spell she had learned from watching her mother use it on her six rowdy brothers. Hoping her eyes weren't to red; she took down her ponytail, shook out her hair, and then headed out to face humanity.

As Ginny hurried through the corridor on her way to the Owlery, she was careful to keep her head down. Despite her quick cover-up, she was terrified that somebody would somehow see her and know what had just happened. In her haste, she crashed into something solid.

"Ginny?" a familiar voice said her name, "are you alright?"

Looking up, she discovered that the solid thing she had crashed into was Harry and the person who had spoken was Hermione.

"I'm fine," the red-head replied through gritted teeth, annoyed by her own idiocy. Glaring at Harry she said, "Watch where you're going, Potter." Untangling herself and getting up to leave, "You aren't the only person who uses this corridor, you know."

"Well that was rather odd," Hermione commented, offering Harry a hand up once Ginny was gone, "I wonder what's gotten into her."

"It's probably just puberty."

**

* * *

****(Somewhere- Hogwarts) **

"Remember the plan Fred?" George asked as the twins neared their destination.

"Of course George, we just went over it. You tickle the pear, I lure the elf out of the kitchen and stun it. Then we put it in the sack and take it to the master."

"Good. On three then." The two had arrived at the painting of the big fruit bowl that hid the entrance to the school kitchens. George raised his hand to tickle the pear, then jumped when it giggled.

The Weasley's entered the kitchen and were immediately greeted by about fifteen house-elves, all wearing the Hogwarts House-Elf uniform.

"What can we do for you?" the elves said as one. It was sort of freaky actually, all those House-Elves saying the same thing in the same voice tone at the same time.

"Would you like some tea, sirs?" asked an elf who was obviously the rebel of the bunch. He was wearing tea cozy and mismatched socks.

"No thank you Dobby," Fred told the elf, "is there an elf here by the name of Floffy?"

"'Tis I, sirs," a generic House-Elf with a warm smile stepped forward, "how may I be of service?"

Fred and George led Floffy out into the corridor, where they stunned him and then stuffed the poor elf into the sack just as they had planned.

On the way back to the Chamber of Horror (Room of Requirement), Fred and George wondered why Roger wanted this particular House-Elf. They knew it was pointless to wonder, seeing as how Roger never answered questions, but the twins wondered anyway. Finally George gave up, stating that if Roger had wanted them to understand the mission he would have explained it more.

Fred agreed, deciding that if Roger had asked them to do this, there must be a good reason. Who were they to question the master?

Entering the Room of Requirement, George took the sack from Fred and dropped the unconscious House-Elf into the pit.

"Excellent," Roger the imaginary Green Fairy said, clapping his hand together with delight. "Now I have another mission I wish for you to complete for me." The twins listened carefully as Roger continued. "That seer you brought me finally had a real vision. She said that the seeker on the Ravenclaw quidditch team will one day be really annoying. Also, she said that the girl is a powerful mind reader. Bring her to me."

"Yes master." And the Weasley's, once again, set off to do their master's bidding.

**

* * *

****(Hufflepuff Tower- 6****th**** year Boys dorm)**

Steve McStevens was skipping Herbology. Not because he disliked the subject, he was actually rather fond of it; but because he was worried about his _numero uno_ homie who'd been slightly off ever since the second task. Steve knocked before entering the room.

"Dude, are you in here?" Steve demanded, glancing around the room. There was no sign of Cedric, he'd even made his bed. Steve narrowed his eyes. Looking past the obvious, he realized that the closet door was closed. This wouldn't seem odd to most people, but since the boys kept their closet door open at all times to prove that they had nothing to hide, Steve zeroed in on it.

To the Hufflepuff boys, a closed closet door was a blatant cry for help. It clearly said that whoever was inside was either in desperate need of a shoulder to cry on, or that they wanted to be left alone. Really, the Hufflepuff dorm code didn't specify, so the boys just had to pick an option and hope for the best.

Steve reflected on the last year. Cedric had always been the Hufflepuff's 'Golden Boy', the embodiment of everything the house stood for. However, he began to distance himself from the rest of them shortly after that quidditch match in their fifth year when the dementors had showed up and Hufflepuff had finally won a match against Gryffindor. Nobody knew why, but while Steve, the team's keeper had been ecstatically happy and eager to party after the event, Cedric had seemed more concerned about the Potter kid who had fallen off his broom. "Yeah," Steve admitted to himself, "Ced is a nicer guy than I am."

From the start of their sixth year his friend had seemed happier. Though he'd always cared about the well-being of others, and had made a point of attempting to go through life hurting as few people as possible, he'd seemed suddenly brighter and more confident than ever.

Steve sighed deeply as he crossed the room. He didn't know exactly what was wrong with his friend, but something in his Hufflepuff nature made him wonder if there was anything he could have done to prevent it.

He could pinpoint the exact moment Ced had begun to slip again, Halloween: the night he'd been chosen to represent Hogwarts in the Triwizard Tournament. With all of the tasks, as well as the constant stream of school work; Cedric was constantly stressed out and Steve could tell that it was wearing on him.

Cautiously, Steve opened the closet door to reveal his best friend, curled into the fetal position in the middle of what appeared to be a nervous break down. Cedric breathed an uncharacteristic string of profanities, wiped his face and leaned back against the wall where he struggled to control his breathing. Steve took a seat against the wall directly across, and for the longest time the two friends just looked at each other in silence.

Finally, Steve asked quietly, "Want to talk about it?"

It took him a while, but once Cedric started talking he quickly told Steve the entire story, ending with the fact that he was now the father of a deformed child inside a jar.

Steve was to stunned for words. Everything that had happened suddenly made sense now, how could he have missed so much?

"So, you really play for the other team?" he asked finally, deciding that even though it sounded like he had missed the entire point, this was the safest route to take. "Wow. I mean, I never would have guessed. I've showered with you!"

Cedric sighed, but explained.

"Just because I'm gay, that does not mean that I lust after everything with a penis. I have standards you know!"

"Wow Ced," Steve laughed, "I don't know whether that makes me feel better, or just insulted!"

"Steve, that's something only you can figure out."

"I know, you're right as usual," Steve agreed, "so, when are you going to introduce me to this, 'Jarbaby'?"

"Now-ish?" Cedric suggested, wiping the remainder of his tears on his sleeve.

**

* * *

****(Hospital- London)**

"Mister and Misses Dursley, if I could see you for a moment in the hall please?" the doctor phrased it as a question, but it sounded more like a demand.

"Petunia, stay with Dudley," ordered Vernon, rising to obey the doctor. Once out in the hall, he glared at the man, who's name kept slipping his mind. This one was bald, with a pink elephant tattooed to the back of his head. A mistake made as a teenager, no doubt.

"What's wrong with my son?" demanded Vernon, giving the man a look that dared him to say 'I don't know' like all the rest of them.

"I believe your son is in the advanced stages of Necrotizing Fasciitis. That is to say, the flesh-eating bacteria. I'm going to have to amputate his arm to prevent the bacteria from spreading to other parts of his body. One of the nurses will bring you the papers you need to sign.

Dursley nodded numbly. Whatever he had expected to hear, this wasn't it.

Even though he was reasonably sure he would never be hungry again, Vernon went to the vending machine and bought one of everything. Obviously the man was procrastinating. Anything to avoid telling Petunia.

-Well, now that everyone has had the opportunity to freak out and feel really bad about themselves, will they be able to learn from their mistakes and become stronger individuals? What will become of Jarbaby? Will the monks respond to Ginny's letter? What did Ron's parents tell him? What does Roger want with Cho? Will Dudley survive? Find out next time on The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself: Harry Potter Soap Opera.

-Author's note: Thank you all so much for continuing to read this story. I really appreciate all of your great reviews, though, more are always welcome (hinting)! So this chapter was mostly character/plot developement, but I hope you liked it anyway. I was planning to give Dudley an illness that was more dramatic, like maybe some sort of cancer, but I was in the middle of writing a research paper on Necrotizing Fasciitis....so I gave him that instead. Steve McStevens is about to become a main character, because as I wrote this chapter I decided that I really like him. Ginny will eventually get revenge, and this story needed an emo kid.....and some funny monks. Basically, the real fun is about to begin, so just stay with me! Please review and give me some feed back.


	7. Episode 7: Many New Introductions!

_**

* * *

**_

Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (tear)

Hogwarts: The Soap Opera!

(Formerly titled: ME and MY Oboe)

AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.

_**LAST TIME: Harry and Cedric have important conversations with their best friends, Draco commits the ultimate Douchebaggery then gets emo, Ginny writes a letter to some monks, The Twins kidnap a House-Elf and are then given a new assignment they don't feel comfortable with, and we discover that Dudley has a flesh-eating disease. **_

Episode # 7

* * *

**(At the 'Dear Abbey' Headquarters)**

"Is this kid for real?" demanded Monk #1, "Dear Abbey, my puppy got hit by a car and daddy tried to sacrifice its remains to some demon lord. It backfired and turned Daddy in to a kidney. What should I do?"

"That's horrible," exclaimed Monk #2, "I'm not sure what the guidelines call for in that case. Do the specify whether its the left or the right kidney? I've heard that the left kidney of many species had extraordinary magical powers. Perhaps you should just instruct the child to place the kidney in a jar and talk to it everyday."

"I read somewhere that when the organs should be kept on ice when not in the body, perhaps a cooler? I don't know." suggested Monk #3 as he picked up another letter from the pile, "Listen to this one! Dear Abbey, today my boyfriend beat the crap out of me for telling my friends that we're dating. I never said his name, but he didn't believe me when I told him this. The thing is though, afterward he seemed so sorry. It was pitiful actually. I don't know what to do. I'd really like an answer, but please don't put it in the Prophet. I don't want anyone to know about this. Sincerely, Little Red."

"Dump his ass," suggested one of the monks, "I know that's what I'd do."

"You heard the girl," announced Monk #4, "throw it away; she said she doesn't want it in the paper."

"Brothers, we can't throw this letter away! This girl is being abused by her boyfriend, and she's coming to us for help! This is the whole reason we started this column! If we're not going to help those who really need it, what's the point?"

"I agree," The Head Monk concurred, taking the letter from Monk #3, "it is our solemn duty to make life on this earth more peaceful for all human beings! This girl does not seem to be at peace at all! In fact, most of the letters we get are from students at Hogwarts. Rather than wait for them to send us letter, let us go to the school and council them all in person!"

* * *

Theme Song!

Disclaimer: i own nothing.

**_A/N: Okay, one of my friends at school was talking about having an orgy. Being a highschool student, i naturally have a dirty mind, and I came in on the wrong end of the conversation. I'm not stupid, I know what the word means. However, my friend has apparently decided that if five people take off their shoes and get into the same bed, it is considered an orgy. Besides clearing my mind of the horrible images that had been going through my head and making me laugh, my friend's definition of the word gave me an idea which appears in this chapter. Just thought I'd give everyone an advanced warning. When the characters discuss having an "orgy", all they mean is that they are going to take off their shoes and get into the same bed. All very clean, and nothing inappropriate occurs. For the purposes of this story, everyone in the wizarding world knows the definition. That said, please read, review, and have a most excellent day!_**

* * *

**(Hospital Wing- Hogwarts)**

"Aww," cooed Hermione as she poked the jar and the child inside made a cut squeaking noise, "he has your eyes!"

To be perfectly honest, the thing in the jar didn't even look remotely human, though it did indeed have green eyes. Of course, they were about five times the size of regular human eyes and at least twice the size of the creature's limbs. It had a little tuft of brown hair on its head, and seemed to enjoy being touched. However, for the life of him, Harry could not figure out how Hermione had decided that 'it' was a 'he'.

"He's adorable!" the witch continued to gush that way girls tend to gush around babies, "look at his little nose! He knows his daddy!"

"How can you tell it's a boy?" Harry asked Hermione in a hushed whisper, guiltily eyeing his offspring.

"Well we can't go around calling him an 'it', can we?"

"I guess not," sighed Harry, putting his face level to that of the child he said, "hi."

"Hello father, how are you today?" Jarbaby asked, his voice was indeed male. However, it was far deeper than that of a normal child. In fact, he sounded a bit like Stewie from Family Guy. "I know you are frightened, but things aren't nearly as bad as they seem. You're not stuck in a jar are you? The very potion that imprisoned me in this jar has increased my mental capacity to that of an eleven year old genius. I hope that we can be friends Father."

The fourth year Gryffindors were totally speechless; and really, what does one say when a child who was born yesterday says hello? Harry could see Hermione's desire to research the phenomenon written all over her face. He, on the other hand, felt a burning desire to run and get Cedric.

* * *

**(On their way to the Hospital Wing)**

"…Is it a boy or a girl?" Steve questioned.

"No idea," Cedric answered, truthfully he knew very little about the baby. Upon hearing that it was to be confined to the jar for its entire life, Cedric had been consumed by a very Un-Hufflepuff-like rage, and had gone off on Dumbledore. This had only succeeded in scaring his poor, possibly traumatized boyfriend and earning himself a detention from McGonagall.

"…what are you going to name it?" Steve wanted to know.

'Merlin' Cedric swore in his mind. Steve had been asking questions non-stop since they had left the dorm. It wouldn't have been so bad if Cedric had the answers, but as he didn't…it was getting on his nerves. Still, he opened his mouth to give the same answer he had used on all of Steve's previous questions.

"No idea," he said as they entered the Hospital Wing and went to Madame Pomfrey's office where they were keeping 'Jarbaby'.

Cedric raised his arm to knock on the door, nervous but knowing that he didn't really need to be. When Madame Pomfrey opened the door, he made a move to step inside but was denied by the healer's outstretched arm.

"The patient already has two visitors, Mr. Diggory," She said coldly, "I'm afraid you'll just have to wait." She turned to close the door in his face.

"What the Hell was that about?" Cedric wondered out loud, looking at Steve as though he might know the answer.

"Maybe one of the visitors is your boyfriend and she thinks you're cheating on him," Steve suggested, "and I'll admit, based on what you told me about yelling at the headmaster and telling him to 'asexually reproduce', and then running out of the Hospital Wing like your pants were on fire; she probably thinks you're a nutter. Also, it really isn't good for one to bring a man who is not your boyfriend or related to you in anyway with you to visit your 'top secret child'. It looks sort of suspicious, if you know what I mean." Steve shrugged and tried to keep away the smirk that threatened to take over his face when he saw the look Cedric was giving him. "What? I have an overactive imagination!"

"I did NOT tell the Headmaster to 'Asexually Reproduce'." Was the only part of Steve's speech that Cedric could deny, "And Harry KNOWS I love him."

"I was censoring your comment for our younger audiences, and I never said he didn't," Steve said quietly, smirk gone, "I'll get you into that office." He declared, knocking on the door with every ounce of authority he could manage, he shouted, "I don't care that there are already two visitors! Kick somebody out. Cedric Diggory wants to visit his offspring! The fruit of his loins! The a-"

"Enough Steve!" Cedric clapped his hand over his friend's mouth, highly embarrassed that his name and the phrase 'fruit of his loins' had been used in the same sentence. Of course, somebody chose that moment to open the door. Hermione Granger, one hand over her own mouth to stifle her laughter, exited the office and motioned for Cedric to enter. She waited until the door closed again before she fell to the floor in a heap, laughing hysterically.

**(Inside the office)**

Once inside the office, Cedric was forced to endure the unwavering glare of Madame Pomfrey. However, there was absolutely no way that an unnecessarily outraged healer was going to keep him from seeing his child.

"Hey," he whispered, taking a seat next to Harry on the cot in the corner of the office.

"Hey," the young Gryffindor was positively beaming. Cedric thought he looked radiant and decided right then and there that fatherhood agreed with the boy.

"Hello, you must be my other father."

Cedric jumped. The voice coming from the jar on the table was deeper and more articulate than his own.

"He talks," Harry said pointlessly, "Our child is very intelligent, and he had a version of your nose."

"And your eyes," Cedric muttered, pulling his boyfriend close, "I'm sorry about my outburst yesterday. I was angry with Dumbledore, upset, and a little bit stressed out about how to tell my parents that they are now Grandparents. That's not an excuse. I shouldn't have said those things to Dumbledore, and I should have been here for you Harry. I'm so, so sorry. Can you forgive me?"

Considering the fact that it had never even occurred to Harry to hold yesterday's events against Cedric, he had absolutely no trouble forgiving him.

"Yeah, of course I forgive you Ced," exclaimed the younger boy, "I wanted to do the same thing! I wasn't going to hold any of it against you. I'm just glad you came back to me, after your reaction yesterday I was afraid you wouldn't."

"It's going to take a lot more than an old man's mistake and a child in a jar to get rid of me," Cedric told Harry, kissing the top of the boy's head.

"Good."

Jarbaby sat silently in his jar and observed the way his fathers interacted with each other. It was intriguing, to say the least. He had been born with knowledge far beyond his years, yet there was something in the way the two boys held each other that he didn't understand. A tiny voice in the back of his head whispered 'love'. Jarbaby smiled to himself.

However; just as quickly as it had appeared, the smile replaced itself with a look of horror as the voice that answered all of his questions showed him a vision of something that would totally destroy the two young men sitting before him. With a start; Jarbaby realized, should that something come to pass, he wasn't sure he could stand it.

In the short time he had known his fathers; Jarbaby had come to have a great affection for them. He vowed right then that he would do everything in his power to prevent his vision from becoming reality.

"Visiting hours are over," Madame Pomfrey announced from behind her desk.

While Harry and Cedric said all of the things father's normally say before they leave their child for the night, Jarbaby weighed the pros and cons of warning them of their impending doom.

"Cedric," he said as they were about to leave, "could I talk to you for a moment?"

"I'll wait outside," Harry said, picking up on the fact that Jarbaby wanted to speak with Cedric Privately. "Good night, son."

* * *

**(Outside in the main Hospital)**

"How'd it go?" Hermione asked when Harry finally emerged from the office.

"Ced didn't tell anyone to 'asexually reproduce' did he?" asked a Hufflepuff named Steve, whom Harry had never spoken to.

"It was alright," Harry told Hermione. He turned to address Steve, "nope, I think that was a onetime thing designed specifically for our lovely headmaster. Ced doesn't really like him." Hermione looked like she was about to say something pro-Dumbledore, but changed her mind.

"Don't get me wrong," Steve told Harry, "Professor Dumbledore IS brilliant; but giving you an experimental, untested potion was NOT his brightest idea." As much as she respected the headmaster, Hermione had to admit that Steve had a point. Harry was nodding as well.

Everyone looked up as the office door flew open and Madame Pomfrey emerged looking slightly harassed. She informed them all that Jarbaby had asked her to leave.

"Dragons, Giddylows, male pregnancy, children in jars," she muttered to herself, "What's next?"

"I'm Steve," Steve announced, extending his hand to the Gryffindors in an attempt to break the silence that had engulfed them since the healer had left her office.

"Harry," Harry said, shaking Steve's extended hand.

"Hermione," Hermione did the same.

"Now that we all know each other," Steve said enthusiastically, "let's have an orgy!"

"Um," said Hermione, "no thanks."

"Sorry guys," Harry said at the same time, "I'm taken."

"Not that kind of orgy!" Steve groaned, "Fourth years are such perverts! I'm talking about where five people take off their shoes and get into the same bed."

"Oh," Hermione realized, she wondered why they were having this conversation. Really, what was the point? "But there are only three of us."

Steve was already seated on the edge of the bed removing his shoes. "Are you coming?" he asked.

The two Gryffindors looked at each other, shrugged, then removed their shoes and got into the bed. With the three of them it was rather cramped.

"Steve, why are we doing this?" Harry asked as he scooted closer to Hermione to keep himself from falling off the bed.

"Do you see anything better to do? I just thought we could all use a laugh." The Hufflepuff explained, "Madame Pomfrey! Remove your shoes and come join us!"

As the Medi-Witch complied, Cedric emerged from the office. He had to blink several times before he was forced to believe that the scene in front of him was real. Though; why his best friend would be in bed with his boyfriend, Hermione Granger, and the school healer was totally beyond him.

"Cedric!" Harry shouted, his voice muffled slightly by the fact that Hermione's shoulder was partially on his face, "take off your shoes and come join our orgy!"

'I'm going to hell anyway,' Cedric thought to himself as he bent over to untie his sneaker, 'might as well go with style.'

Both of his sneakers removed, Cedric made a running dive and landed on top of everyone in the bed.

There was a bright flash of light. Not the sort of light that is emitted from ones wand during a curse, but that of a camera when a photo is being taken.

"Well," said the unpleasantly familiar voice of Rita Skeeter, "this is very inappropriate. I think it will be absolutely perfect for the first page of tomorrows Prophet. We'll call it: Two Gryffindors, Two Hufflepuffs, and the School Healer Have an Orgy! It'll be absolutely scandalous!" the reporter cackled irritatingly as she and her photographer exited the hospital wing with their story.

"Well," Harry sighed, trying to think of an appropriate way to finish the sentence he wanted to make.

"Damn," Cedric finished for him, wondering if he could take anymore bad news today.

"That's the word I was looking for," Harry agreed, slumping back down on a pillow.

"I second that." Hermione agreed.

* * *

**(Gryffindor Tower- 6th year Boy's Dorm)**

"I don't think I can do it," George sighed, he lay flat on his back staring at the ceiling above. Ever since Roger had ordered them to kidnap the Ravenclaw girl, George had been having doubts. Professor Trelawny had been easy to capture and stun, the twins had never taken her class, and so it was totally impersonal to them. Floffy the House-Elf had been even easier.

Now however, Roger was asking them to attack their fellow students. Cho Chang was only a year behind the twins in school. They'd played Quidditch against her,

"You can't back out now George," Fred told his brother, "consider the long-term benefits of what we're doing."

"I guess," George said doubtfully, "but Fred, what do you think Roger is ding with these prisoners we bring him? He's certainly not inviting them to tea and biscuits!"

"We can't worry about that," Fred said soothingly, laying a comforting hand on his brother's shoulder, "I'll tell you what; after we finish this mission, let's talk to Roger and see if he'll give us a break for a few days."

"Alright."

* * *

**(Great Hall: Dinner)**

That evening, Steve and Cedric ate dinner with Harry, Ron and Hermione. The fivesome received strange looks from all over the hall, and Ron wondered why the other four looked so miserable. Finally he had to ask.

"Alright, why are Cedric and that other Hufflepuff guy sitting with us, and why are the four of you acting as though you were caught participating in a crime?"

"You can read about it in the morning paper." Steve replied. He hadn't touched his dinner, and felt horrible because the entire thing had been his fault.

"We didn't do anything wrong," Hermione said through gritted teeth as she played with her salad, "stop acting like the world is ending."

Cedric, who had been silent through the entire meal, pushed his plate away and slammed his forehead into the table as hard as he could. "Ow!" he exclaimed moments later.

"That's it," Steve couldn't resist making the joke at his friends uncharacteristic behavior, "freaking masochist. I'm taking your razor blades away."

Cedric raised his head, looking rather comical with a large red bump on his face, and gave his friend a very rude hand gesture.

Ron, now thoroughly confused, shrugged and began to finish everyone else's barely touched meals. "Yum," he thought as he helped himself to Hermione's pudding.

At the head of the Great Hall, Albus Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat.

"If I can have everyone's attention for just a moment please, I would like to introduce you to a few new faces that you are going to be seeing around the castle. At the staff table behind me you'll notice several monks. They are from the local Abbey and have come to observe your mental and emotional well being, and help rectify any emotional trauma you may have experienced. Please give them the same respect that you would your teachers."

The head monk rose from his seat and raised a hand in acknowledgement of the students.

"Greetings," he said, "we are the writers of the 'Dear Abbey' column in your Daily Prophet, and have received letters from many of you that have disturbed us greatly. Believe it or not, we too were teenagers once and we know what it's like to be confused. Our mission is to help people, and what better way to do that then to minister to the youth of today? Beginning tomorrow, my brothers and I will observe the student life her at Hogwarts. We will observe your classes, chill in your common rooms, and attempt to understand how you function here. Then at the end of the week, we will call you each individually to meet with us in our office and decide who among you will benefit from our council."

"In short," said Monk #1, grinning as the head monk sat down, "we'll be watching you."

-**_What did Jarbaby tell Cedric? How will everyone react to Rita's article? Will Fred and George be successful? How will the monks affect the Hogwarts life style? Find out next time on: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself: Harry Potter Soap Opera._**

_**-A/**N **Hey guys. I actually had a lot of fun writing this chapter, I'm not sure it's as good as the previous chapters, but this one was for me. I hope you all like it. Please review, it's really easy. As always, your reviews encourage me to update quickly, and just think, if you're reading this note you've already read the chapter (and possibly the six before it), it doesnt take much time or energy to click that big purpleish/blueish button and brighten my day. Any feedback is appreciated.** _


	8. Episode 8: Long Story!

_**Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (tear)**_

ME and MY Oboe!

AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.

_**Last time: Steve and Hermione Meet Jarbaby, 2 Gryffindors 2 Hufflepuffs and the school healer have an 'orgy', Rita Skeeter writes and article about said 'orgy', and Monks come to Hogwarts.**_

Disclaimer: I don't own it….would you stop rubbing it in???

Chapter 8: Long Story

The great Hall seemed noisier than usual, and everyone seemed to be straining to catch a glimpse so someone at the Gryffindor table.

"Why is everyone staring at us?" Ron asked Harry and Hermione as he took a large bite of bacon. "Do I have something in my teeth?"

"No Ron," sighed Hermione, who appeared to be very anxious about something. She also looked quite tired, as if she hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before. "Nobody's looking at you. They are all trying to see Harry and me."

"Oh," said Ron, slightly put out by the way she'd said 'Harry and I'. "Well, what did you guys do?"

Hermione was saved from having to answer, because at that exact moment a large owl flew over and presented her with a copy of the Daily Prophet. As expected, most of the front page was covered with a photo bearing the headline: Two Gryffindors, Two Hufflepuffs, and the School Healer Have an Orgy.

"And look," Harry said dryly as he examined the photo, "she's managed to edit it so that we don't appear to have any clothes on."

"What were you guys doing in bed with Diggory and McStevens anyway?" Ron wanted to know, his eyes drifting toward the Hufflepuff table.

"Long story," sighed Harry, unwilling to say anymore. Hermione nodded.

"…and Pomfrey? What the hell!?" Continued Ron, as if he hadn't heard.

Harry felt bad about keeping secrets from Ron, but he wasn't sure how his friend would react, so it seemed like the lies just kept piling up. To explain this situation, Harry would have to admit that he was gay, had given birth to Cedric Diggory's child, and that that child was stuck in a jar in the hospital wing. Since he wasn't sure how any of it would go over, now just didn't seem like a good opportunity to tell Ron.

He knew that Ron had to find out sometime, and he knew that it would be best if the news came from him. He also knew that Ron's reaction was likely to include some yelling, screaming and potentially some fighting. Not exactly Great Hall behavior. Harry definitely DID NOT want the news shouted throughout the Great Hall while it was crowded with students.

Luckily, Ron didn't push for an answer.

"Wow," Ron said as he read the article, which covered four and a half pages, "how much of this is true?"

"Does it say anything about us not wearing shoes?" Hermione asked, taking a sip of her orange juice and grabbing the section of the paper that contained the crossword puzzle.

"Well," said Ron, scanning the article again, "it says that you weren't wearing clothes." Hermione shook her and took the paper so that she could read the article herself.

As she read it, Ron paid close attention to her facial expressions.

"Total rubbish?" He asked when she was through Hermione nodded, but didn't speak. On her face, she wore 'The Angry Look'. This was the look that had been on her face last year when she'd punched Malfoy, and when she'd discovered that Hogwarts had House-Elves. Hermione's Angry Face was actually quite terrifying.

On top of that, Cho Chang was on the war path and headed toward them.

Being from Ravenclaw, Cho was by no means a complete idiot. However, after reading Rita Skeeter's article, she was furious. Not at the Skeeter woman, whose facts were rarely correct; but at Hermione Granger, the bitch who'd previously seduced both Victor Krum and Harry Potter. Cho suspected an illegal love potion.

Now the little slut was trying to put the mojo on her man. There was absolutely no way she could fathom Cedric's behavior otherwise. Sure, Hermione was smart; but she was a bleeding fourth year! Underage! Such actions were illegal! No way would THE Cedric Diggory: Hufflepuff Golden-boy and Good Guy Extraordinaire; perform such unspeakable acts with an underage woman.

No, thought Cho as she crumbled the paper in her fist, this was all Granger's doing.

"Well I'm just going to have to do something about that," she muttered under her breath. Rising from the Ravenclaw table, she marched across the Great Hall. Wadded up news paper in hand she approached the girl. Granger was sitting at the Gryffindor table with Potter and Weasley; undoubtedly she'd done the same thing to them as she done with Cedric. Cho comforted herself with the knowledge that what she was about to do would benefit them as well.

In her pocket Cho carried a vial of potion that was said to an antidote to any and all love spells. She'd brewed it after reading the first article that had come out about the Granger girl, but had been waiting for the right moment to use it. That moment, Cho decided, was now.

Uncorking the vial, she prepared to throw it on them the second she was close enough for it to reach.

Go time.

"You slut!" Cho screeched as she flung the potion over Granger and her bespelled boy-toys, soaking them all. "You'd better keep your bloody hands off my boyfriend!"

If she'd expected a reaction, she was disappointed. The book she'd found the antidote in had said that once it touched the one who'd created the potion and those she'd used it on there would be a brilliant flash of light, those it touched would glitter for a few moments, and then it would pass. Everything would go back to normal.

When her antidote touched the Gryffindor threesome, there was no flash of light. No glittering. In fact, nothing happened at all. Cho's first thought was that perhaps she'd made a mistake. Maybe she'd added something to early, or stirred her potion incorrectly. Then she wondered if maybe she'd been wrong all along.

Either way, she'd successfully acquired the attention of Hermione Granger and her posse. However, rather than fear or surprise, Hermione was suddenly overcome with the urge to laugh. Ron wondered about this, and the fact that Cho's words had caused Harry to snort as well.

And then the urge to laugh was to strong and suddenly Harry and Hermione were laughing like idiots, while Cho stood over them fuming. Ron sat by looking perplexed, confusion etched in all aspects of his being.

"You think I'm being funny?" Cho demanded, "huh skank?"

"No," Hermione replied, attempting to stifle her laughter, "not funny, but perhaps you should have this conversation with Cedric."

"Oh, he and I are going to have a talk," Cho agreed, "but this is between you and me!"

Ron watched as Hermione rolled her eyes and glanced at Harry before she turned back to Cho and said in a perfectly monotone voice, "I am not interested in your boyfriend, and I have not been secretly brewing love potions to make the male population of Hogwarts go wild for me."

"Like I'm going to believe that!" Cho threw her wadded up news paper at Hermione, "I saw the paper this morning!"

"I think you need a reality check," Hermione replied quietly, "if you truly believe a word that wretched Skeeter woman wrote, you're deluded. Honestly, I can't believe you didn't notice before now. Cedric isn't interested in me; he's not even interested in you!"

"Um girls," Harry mumbled nervously, this conversation was starting to tread dangerous waters. He needed it to end before Hermione said something they'd all regret. "People are staring."

"Shut up Potter," Cho ordered, effectively shushing him, "Everyone else can just mind their own damn business!"

Apparently 'Angry Cho' was a force to be reckoned with, because those who had been staring immediately turned back to their food and pretended like they were completely deaf and unable to hear a word.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Cho demanded, glaring at Hermione.

"Are you blind?" Hermione shrieked in exasperation. Harry knew what was coming right before she formed the words. He closed his eyes and waited for the blow. "Cedric is gay!"

A collective gasp rose from the Great Hall as everyone heard this. As one they all turned in their seats to stare at the Hufflepuff in question. Steve McStevens could be seen silently mouthing the words 'Oh shit,' while Cedric's own exclamations were a bit too colorful to print here. Apparently he had a rather dirty mouth when he was under pressure.

"…he's dating Harry!" Hermione continued before she realized what she was saying. She then clapped her hand over her mouth and appeared to be horrified by her own words. She spun around to see Harry, whose expression was a mixture of glaring murderously and looking betrayed. "Oh Harry, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean-"

"Thanks Hermione," he muttered angrily, before storming out of the hall. As he passed the Hufflepuff table, Cedric intercepted him. Whatever the older boy said, it seemed to make a difference. Harry seemed to calm visibly. He allowed Cedric to put his arm around him, and together they calmly exited the Great Hall.

Cho looked flabbergasted, and Hermione found herself wishing that the ground would open up and swallow the two of them.

After a moment of stunned silence, the students erupted once more with loud conversations, and Steve McStevens rose to do what he did best: Damage Control.

"So," he said loudly in an attempt to get as much attention as possible, "the Hogwarts Triwizard champions are in love with each other. It happens. Personally, I think it's a Seeker thing. You all have to admit that the bloke from Slytherin is rather effeminate, and Chang? I'm pretty sure Chang was only using Cedric as a cover; which s pretty ironic given the circumstances." Steve said all of this quite loudly as he walked among the tables in an attempt to lighten the mood. In all actuality, he was pissed at the Granger girl for outing Cedric and Harry to the school; but he'd never been the type to let that show, and the girl appeared to feel bad enough already.

"Listen to the man," Fred Weasley shouted from his seat, "personally, I think we're ALL a little gay!"

"Yeah!" agreed George Weasley, "How many of you have ever looked in the mirror and liked what you saw?"

"I bet everyone has," continued Fred, "I know I have."

"Me too!" agreed George, "personally, I like my chin. I think it makes my face look strong and masculine."

"I think I have pretty eyes," Lavender Brown spoke up.

"…and I have a great ass!" added a girl from the Ravenclaw table.

"I like my boobs," commented a female Hufflepuff.

"I'd do me!" shouted Ron Weasley.

Echoes of 'I'd do me' and 'I love the way my hair frames my face' were heard from all corners of the Great Hall, and Steve decided that he'd accomplished his goal. His classmates seemed to have forgotten about the display that had taken place before he'd begun speaking, and now they were all discussing their favorite personal attributes and complementing each other.

It was like one of those interventions on television where they put a group of people who hate each other in the same room and force them to complement each other and apologize and attempt to understand each other. Steve laughed, if they weren't careful, they'd end up practicing 'Trust Falls' and 'Crowd Surfing.'

* * *

**(Random Closet)**

In soon as they'd hit the door of the Great Hall, Harry had burst into tears. Hermione's betrayal stung. Even though he knew in his heart that it hadn't been meant to hurt him, even knowing that she hadn't even intended to say it, he had been embarrassed and humiliated. By his best friend no less. It didn't get any worse than that.

Cedric knew how he'd feel if Steve had been the one who'd outed them, so he didn't even try to talk. He just held open the door to some random closet.

The two entered and sank to the floor; Harry's head on Cedric's shoulder. The older boy wished that there was something he could say to comfort his boyfriend; but somehow 'everything will be fine' didn't really seem appropriate, and 'they'll only be talking about it for a couple of days,' seemed like it would do more harm than good. So Cedric remained silent as he held the younger boy.

* * *

**(Staff table)**

"Brothers," said the Head Monk, "did anyone catch the names of those boys who just walked out?"

Monk #2 leaned over to ask the unnaturally large man who was seated beside him. "Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory, sir."

The Head Monk jotted the names on a piece of parchment and rolled it up.

"Time for our first classes!"

**

* * *

**

**(3****rd**** year Potions)**

Monk #2 situated himself at a desk in the back of the classroom before the students arrived. For the remainder of the lesson, he observed Professor Snape's teaching style and jotted down the names of students he wanted to keep an eye on.

Among the students on his list were: Luna Lovegood, a girl from Ravenclaw who seemed sort of spaced out, Ginny Weasley, a red-headed Gryffindor who looked as though she hadn't slept in months, and several others. What Monk #2 really wanted to know was if he could add Severous Snape to his list as well.

Snape's teaching style appeared to involve terrorizing the students, handing out impossibly hard assignments, glaring, and not much else. Over all it didn't seem very effective, and Monk #2 found himself wondering if the Professor had experienced some sort of childhood trauma that had caused him to become like that.

**

* * *

**

**(4****th ****year Herbology)**

Monk #3 was a huge fan of Herbology. When he'd left Hogwarts, he had earned the highest score in the history of the program. He just loved plants. Big plants, little plants, red plants, blue plants; dangerous plants, talking plants, he loved them all. He was the one who took care of all the plants around the Abbey. Monk #3 was positively ecstatic to see Professor Sprout again.

As the fourth year Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors filed into the greenhouse, the monk recognized several faces from the Great Hall. There was the bushy haired girl who'd caused the commotion, on of the red haired boys who'd spoken, the Irish bloke that wanted to do himself, the girl who loved her eyes and several others.

Listening carefully as Professor Sprout called roll, he proceeded to add all of their names to his list. By the end of the period, Monk #3's list was very long. It contained: Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasley, Seamus Finnigan, Lavender Brown, Dean Thomas, Neville Longbottem, Parvati Patil, Ernie McMillan, Hannah Abbott, Justin Finch-Fletchy, and a few others. Actually, most of the students in the class had earned a spot on his list.

**

* * *

**

**(The Riddle House)**

After the muggle police cleaned up the murder scene and cleared out, Voldemort and Wormtail emerged from beneath the bed they had been hiding under.

"My potion!" the Dark Lord squawked almost immediately.

"Of course, my lord," Wormtail said hastily as he tripped over an over-turned chair on his way to the kitchen. "Ow."

'What an idiot!' Lord Voldemort thought to himself as Wormtail detangled himself from the chair and proceeded to knock over a glass vase full of water. "Wonderful," the Dark Lord muttered as the vase broke and spilled water all over a nearby electrical socket, thus causing the lights to flicker and go out.

"Sorry Master," Wormtail wailed from the kitchen, "I'll go into town and call the electrical company from a pay phone."

"Alright," Voldemort agreed. Wormtail bustled around the house, knocking over various objects, until finally he emerged wearing his coat and a purple fedora.

"I'll only be an hour," the man promised, his hand already on the door knob.

"Wormtail!" rasped the Dark Lord, "my potion!"

"Oh yes! How stupid of me! Right away sir!" Wormtail clumsily retrieved the potion, and then left for town.

When he was finally alone, Lord Voldemort sighed with relief. From the cushions of the couch he pulled a gameboy, and proceeded to play Tetris.

**

* * *

**

**(Hogwarts: Closet Monks Converted into an office)**

The Head Monk sat down at his desk and began to examine the list that he and the other monks had compiled. He read over the list and created 28 mini lists based on house and year. Then he was faced with a dilemma.

Picking up the small metal triangle on the corner of his desk, he made that lovely clanging noise that often accompanies metal hitting metal, and summoned all of the other monks.

Monk #3 was the first to show up.

"Sup boss?" he asked, taking a seat on one of the beanbag chairs that were positioned across the room from the main desk.

"Wait till your brothers get here," replied the Head Monk, recounting the names on one of his lists.

Soon all of the monks were seated on large beanbag chairs, and the Head Monk cleared his throat.

"Gentlemen," he said, glancing at each of the monks seated, "we have a decision to make."

"Another one?" complained Monk #2.

"Shush brother," Monk #1 said with interest, "oh do tell us what it is!"

"Because so many students have been placed on our list, we need to decide whom to meet with first. Personally, I was thinking that we should put the houses in alphabetical order and see the students based on academic year starting with Gryffindor first years. Would anyone else like to comment?"

From there the Monks went on to plan the exact order that they would meet with the students. They also discussed what they would be having for dinner each night, and the alignment of the planets for then next month.

By the time the meeting broke up, they were as prepared as four people who have no idea what to expect can possibly get.

* * *

-_How will people react to Harry and Cedric now that their secret is out? Will the Monks be successful in their mission? What is Voldemort up to? Find out next time on The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera._

A/N So, Cho and Hermione's three page fight was a surprise even to me, I thought this chapter was going to be short! Oh well, I hope you enjoyed it. The next chapter is the last one that I have fully written, and it's probably about twice as long as this one. Typing it's gonna suck… the things I do for my readers…….

So hang tight folks, there's much more on the way!!!! Review and tell me what you think. Is there anything specific that you want to see in later chapters? Now is the time to tell me!!!!!

"Reviews make me really happy," commented McAwsome, as she shamelessly begged her readers for feedback.

(HINTING!!!)


	9. Episode 9: Douchebaggery Is Afoot!

_**Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (tear)**_

**ME and MY Oboe!**

**AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.**

_Last time: Rita's article gets published, Cho thinks Hermione is working her 'love potion mojo' on Cedric and the other boys at Hogwarts, Hermione out's Harry and Cedric as a couple, this pissed them off. The monks make lists, and Voldemort plays Tetris…_

**Episode #9: Douchebaggery Is Afoot!**

* * *

**(London)**

"Dear Stupid Magic Man," Vernon Dursley murmured to himself as he penned the words 'Headmaster Dumbledore' on a piece of stationary. Despite everything he stood for, Vernon was forced to admit that he hadn't used everything in his arsenal. If he didn't do something soon, his son was going to lose an arm to a disease he'd never heard of.

At dinner the night before, when Petunia had suggested writing a letter to the headmaster of their nephew's school, he'd laughed the idea off as preposterous. Why on earth would they need to explain their actions to anyone in THAT world?

However, once she'd explained her theory that after raising their 'Boy-Who-Lived', the Wizarding world should be more than happy to assist them, Vernon had declared the idea down right absurd. Petunia had gone silent after that, sulking perhaps, possibly mulling recent events over in her head, probably fuming over his lack of interest in her suggestion.

That same absurd suggestion had kept Vernon up all night, and by 10am the next day he'd decided that it just might work. The only problem being how to word the letter so that it wasn't blackmail, and so that they could get maximum pity from the freaks.

It was this series of events that led to Vernon Dursley being in his home office writing a letter to a man who he'd otherwise have nothing to do with. He just hoped that his influence in his nephew's upbringing would be enough to ensure magical assistance. This was, of course, a last ditch effort.

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**Disclaimer: Blah blah you've heard it all before. I own nothing. Blah blahblah blah bibbity blah.**

**A/N: Review review REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!!!! ...please? I really like this story, and reading your reviews makes the whole experience even more rewarding for me.**

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**(4****th**** year Gryffindor Boy's – A week after 'The Orgy Article')**

"Hermione told me to tell you she's sorry," Ron said, walking into the dorm, "again."

"I told her I'd forgiven her," Harry said dryly from his bed. Over the past week he and Cedric had enjoyed being able to be seen with each other in public. Now that they were out, they were able to hold hands in the corridor, and perform the same displays of affections as any other couple with out fear. After the first few days, in which there'd been several awkward silences and angry outbursts, Harry had realized that Hermione had actually done them a favor. "Everyone was going to find out eventually."

"She just doesn't understand how you can forgive her that easily," replied Ron. Harry groaned and slung his arm across his eyes. They'd had this conversation before. "I know I wouldn't. I'd be mad and milking her guilt for all it was worth."

"Glad I'm not you, Ron," muttered Harry, accidentally saying exactly what he'd been thinking.

If it had been anyone else who'd said it, Ron would have yelled. However, he sort of agreed with his friend on this one. He probably would have said something else, but Neville Longbottem walked in.

"Neville, why are potatoes growing out of your pants?" Harry asked, stretching as he sat up.

"Malfoy hexed me again," the boy sighed, pulling out a potato that had lodged itself in a very uncomfortable place.

"You should tell someone," said Ron, "that's the third time this week that you've come back to the dorm with vegetables coming out of your pants." There was a large pile of carrots, and another pile of radishes in the corner to prove this.

"Roots." Mumbled Neville.

"What?"

"Carrots, radishes, and potatoes are considered roots," Neville explained, "and Malfoy got a detention. Harry's boyfriend was walking by when it happened. Cedric saw the whole thing, declared it 'douchebaggery', and slapped him with a three hour detention."

"Can he do that?" Ron asked, "I mean, awesome abuse of authority, I didn't know he had it in him."

"Apparently he can," laughed Neville, stumbling as three potatoes fell out of his pants and rolled out on to the floor, "McGonnigal, Sprout and Flitwick all signed off on it!"

"Sweet!"

The door opened as Hermione entered the room.

"I hope everybody's decent," she said before she was even past the doorway. "Harry, your owl brought this letter to me by mistake." She handed Harry a blue envelope with his name on it, and surveyed the rest of the room. "Neville, are you aware that potatoes are growing out of your pants?"

"Thanks Hermione," Harry said, opening his letter.

"Got hexed," Neville responded to the question she had directed at him.

"What's that?" Ron wanted to know, plopping down next to Harry so that he could read the letter over his friend's shoulder. "Sweet! You get to learn about the third task tonight!"

Immediately, Neville popped out another potato, and Hermione rushed over to read the note too.

"You have to tell us everything!" She said right after she finished reading.

"Absolutely." Harry agreed.

Ron, confused by the friendly interaction of his gay best friend and the girl who had recently outed him to the entire school, looked on in amazement.

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**(Monk's Guidance office.)**

"…and how does that make you feel?" Monk 2 asked the terrified first year who sat on the beanbag chair across from the desk.

"Um…not good?" stammered Lisa Jinkinson, a first year Gryffindor student whose parents made their living as birthday party clowns.

"That must be interesting," Monk 3 commented, gulping down a swig of his coffee.

"Not really," sighed Lisa, "I don't like clowns; they kind of scare me a little."

"Hmm," said the Head Monk, "do you think perhaps that your clown issue could have deeper roots? What I want you to do is, when you get back to your dorm, write a letter to your parents and tell them exactly what you just said. Can you do that for me Lisa?"

The girl nodded.

"Excellent. I believe we've made some real progress. See you in a few weeks…whose next?"

"We need Mike Lebrowsterski, sir," said Monk 1, flipping through a list, "and then Natalie McDonald."

"Excellent, perhaps we can council all of the Gryffindor first years today!" Monk 2 exclaimed, he was already eyeing the list of Hufflepuff first years.

"Perhaps," agreed the Head Monk as he reflected on all of the childhood traumas he'd already heard, "perhaps."

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**(Potions with the Fifth year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs).**

Even though she was reasonably sure nobody was looking at her, Cho Chang felt unexplainably exposed. Quickly, she ducked her head beneath the lab table she shared with six other students to ensure that she had remembered to put on pants.

"_Stupid, ignorant do-nothings." _The voice was loud, and clearly annoyed, but totally implacable. Snape had instructed his class to be silent and read chapters six through eight in the text book; and as far as Cho could tell, nobody was talking. _"How does that arrogant buffoon do it all day?"_

"_OMG_, _Larry is so cute! I wonder if he likes me."_

"_I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I forgot that the charms essay was due today!"_

In fact, for a class that should have been reading silently, it seemed as if everyone was speaking at once. As she attempted to read the text in front of her, Cho had to squint because of the growing headache.

Looking around, she noticed that nobody seemed to be speaking.

"What the hell?" she mumbled to herself.

"_How hard is it to sit quietly and read? Everyone else is doing it."_ That sounded like Professor Snape.

"Sorry Professor," Cho muttered, "headache."

"Shhh!" shushed the various students seated around her.

"_Stupid!"_

"_Idiot!"_

"_Nuts!"_

"_She's kinda hot!"_

"Ms. Chang, is there a problem?" suddenly the long, greasy nose of the potions master and his obviously moving lips came into view.

"_Glad it's not me."_

"_Ew!"_

"_She's in trouble now."_

"_Is it hot in here or is it just me?"_

"I'm speaking to you," Snape said impatiently.

Cho's vision began to blur as she struggled to concentrate on who was actually speaking to her rather than the other voices in her head. Voices that appeared to be coming from her classmates…whose mouths WERE NOT moving.

"Well damn," Cho muttered to herself, "I'm either insane, or I'm a psychic mind reader." Of course, then she passed out and needed to be taken to the hospital wing.

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**(Random Closet)**

"Malfoy, why did you pull me into a closet?" Ginny demanded, attempting to sound annoyed, but barely managing to control her laughter.

The blond glanced to his left, obviously trying to come up with an answer. Failing to learn anything from the crate of Mrs. Bertha's Sanitary Napkins on the shelf he was looking at, he shrugged helplessly.

"Uh-huh."

Ever since the incident in the secret passageway, Ginny had been highly suspicious of everything her boyfriend said or did. She wasn't quite ready to end the relationship, but she'd convinced herself that she'd do it if he gave her another good reason.

"I was wondering if we could hang out later," the boy said nervously, looking at his shoes. He didn't know what it was about this woman, but she made him feel things he'd never felt before. Made him do things he couldn't explain. "Maybe go down to the kitchen for some late night snackage? There will be tons of House-Elves present, perhaps we can assist Granger in her quest to convince them to unionize."

"Sure," Ginny replied, reaching for the door knob, "are we done?"

"Yeah," Draco said quickly, hoping that as they got back together and he managed to prove that he wouldn't hurt her again that the tension would ease between them. "See ya."

"Yup," the girl sighed, emphasizing her departure with an offhanded wave.

After Ginny left the closet, Draco wilted against the door and began slamming his head repeatedly against it.

"Psst! Blondie, stop with the head banging and look up!" Demanded a voice from the air slightly above his head.

Having nothing else to do, Draco did look up. He was surprisingly unsurprised to see that the voice had come from a green fairly.

"What the crap?"

"Howdy! I'm Roger. I think you will be an excellent addition to my staff."

"Er, I think I'll pass." Draco told the green fairly. Now that he thought about it, he was fairly sure that Roger hadn't been in the closet when he and Ginny had first entered.

"Oh come on, you got anything better to do?"

"Well no, not really."

"Excellent."

* * *

(**Couple hours later: Entrance Hall)**

As Harry headed to the door on his way to the Champion Meeting where he and the others would learn about the third task, he wondered vaguely why he wasn't wondering what the third task would entail. He supposed that it could have something to do with the fact he was on his way to a meeting where he would learn just that, but he didn't really feel the need to care that much.

"Hey Harry, wait up!" Striding toward him at top speed was his boyfriend, Cedric Diggory, followed closely by somebody in a gorilla suit.

"Hey Cedric," said Harry, not sure whether to laugh or be afraid, "Why is a gorilla following you?"

"Its just Steve," snorted Cedric, "he's stalking me."

"Huh. And the gorilla suit?"

"Well," Cedric said with a mischievous smirk that few people had ever seen, "Professor Sprout has ordered him to keep tabs on me and make sure that I don't abuse my power as a prefect." Then he lowered his voice and continued, "He doesn't think I've figured it out yet."

"He's not exactly the most subtle bloke around," commented Harry.

"Yeah well, try telling him that." Cedric laughed, "So what do you think the third task will be?"

"Eh," Harry shrugged, "probably just something impossibly hard and dangerous."

"Yeah, I'm sure you're right. No big deal," Cedric replied as they reached the Quidditch field and all traces of laughter left his face. "What have they done to it?"

Harry was speechless, and Steve made a sound like a wounded animal.

Before them stood their beloved Quidditch field. Only, rather than the field they were used to, the field before them was covered with what could only be described as hedges.

"What do you think boys?" demanded Ludo Bagman, who was standing in the center of the hedge-maze with the other two champions. "Well come on! Get over here so we can start the meeting!"

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**(After the meeting)**

"So I just have to learn a bunch of complicated spells to keep me alive during this maze," commented Harry as he and Cedric headed back up to the castle.

"Yup," Cedric agreed, looking a little dazed, "easy."

Harry felt a tap on his shoulder. Expecting to find Bagman and more offers to assist him in cheating the tournament, he was a little surprised to find Victor Krum looking sort of nervous.

"Hey."

"Harry, can I speak to you for a moment?" Krum inquired, "Diggory can stay, I understand that the two of you are close."

"I appreciate the consideration," Cedric said dryly, "what do you need, Krum?"

"Er," it was obvious that Krum would rather not be having this conversation, "Could we walk over there? I don't want to be overheard."

"There's no one out here but us," Harry said, remembering something he'd read in a recent letter from Sirius, he was not eager to go anywhere with the Bulgarian.

Krum, looking a tad bit put out, stuck his hands in his pockets and glanced around, "What about the boy in the gorilla suit?"

Steve had been standing at the edge of the Quidditch field throughout the meeting, and was still behind them now.

"Don't worry about him," Harry told Krum, "what did you want to say to me?"

"Alright, what is there between you and Hermy-own-ninny? She speaks of you all the time, and those articles in the paper…"

This was the last thing Harry had expected to hear. Victor Krum was at least three years older than him and at least a foot taller. He was an international Quidditch star and the idol of millions. It simply boggled Harry's mind that this extremely successful individual would feel that his relationship was threatened by a guy like him.

Also, despite the fact that the three champions were quite alone out on the grounds that night, they had managed to wander over to the edge of the forest.

"We're friends," Harry told Krum, "Hermione is like a sister to me." Victor looked as though he hardly dared to believe it.

"So that Skeeter woman's articles?"

"Total rubbish," Harry assured the Bulgarian Seeker.

"So you're saying…"

"Here's the thing Victor," Cedric interrupted impatiently, he was rather eager to get away from the forest as well as the creatures that lurked inside, "Harry and I? We're sort of a thing."

Now Krum looked even more confused. Rolling his eyes, Cedric took his boyfriend firmly by the shoulders and planted a big sloppy kiss right on him.

"Oh!" Krum exclaimed, finally understanding, "that sort of thing!"

"I'm definitely NOT out to get your girl." Harry concluded.

As a look of relief settled on to the face of Victor Krum, there was a movement in the bushes nearby. Harry noticed but thought nothing of it, Cedric looked ready to piss himself, and Krum missed it entirely.

That's when a figure emerged from the forest and revealed itself to be none other than Barty Crouch, the missing tournament judge.

"Shit!" exclaimed Cedric; probably wetting himself when he leapt completely startled into the air.

"Wasn't he one of your judges?" Krum asked dumbly.

Crouch proceeded to latch his fingers into Harry's robes, put the boy in a head lock, claim to have made a mistake, met Voldemort, and that he needed to see Dumbledore.

While Crouch began a chant that went something along the lines of, 'Dumbledore. I need to see Dumbledore. Take me to see Dumbledore,' Harry made eye contact with the two older wizards who were just standing there doing nothing productive, and indicated that he could use some help. Apparently Krum thought they were playing Charades.

"Two words?" he asked, concentrating intently, "First word? Banjo? Duck? Banana Hammock?" Harry looked helplessly at Cedric, who now had a large wet splotch down the left leg of his trousers. "Pancakes?" Krum continued to guess.

"Hey!" Crouch demanded, his eyes bloodshot and insane-like as he maintained his choke-hold on Harry, "what part of 'You-Know-Who is back, I need to see Dumbledore' do you idiots not get? What in the name of Merlin's Blue Silk Shorts are they teaching you up at that school?"

"Stupefy!" the stunner came out of nowhere, but its purpose was clear. Though everyone had forgotten about the-boy-in-the-gorilla-suit, he had in fact stayed put. Now he was striding purposefully toward the small group gathered at the edge of the forest.

"Damn!" Cedric said, suddenly remembering something that would have diffused the situation had he not freaked out when it got serious, "I'm a bloody wizard! How the hell did I forget that?"

"Don't be too hard on yourself, man," Krum sympathized, "Charades? What the crap was I thinking?"

"Er guys," said Steve (though he still thought he was disguised in his gorilla outfit), glancing anxiously at the now still form of Mr. Crouch, "you can discuss your inadequacies under pressure later. Right now we need to figure out what to do about that guy."

"I could float him up to your headmaster's office," Krum offered.

**

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**(Dumbledore's Office)**

That's how the three Triwizard champions, an unconscious floating man, and a boy in a gorilla suit ended up at the entrance to Albus Dumbledore's office. Cedric rubbed the belly of the gargoyle on the left, and the doors opened.

Dumbledore, who had seen the group crossing the grounds, was there to meet them. Harry quickly launched into an explanation.

"We found him down by the forest, I think he's mad. He was talking about his son, Voldemort, and how he needed to see you. He was trying to choke me, so that guy in the gorilla suit stunned him."

Taking in everything from Krum's blush to Cedric's wet pants, Dumbledore nodded. This explanation would be acceptable.

"You boys have had a terrible ordeal. Why don't you all go to bed?" From anyone else, it would have been a question, but Dumbledore managed to make it a command that the boys had no choice but to follow.

**

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**(Hospital Wing)**

Of course they didn't. After saying goodnight to Krum, Harry and Cedric went to the Hospital Wing to visit their child.

As usual, Jarbaby was happy to see them. He waved his tiny limbs excitedly as his parents made their way over to the desk Madame Pomphrey had placed him on.

"Good evening fathers!"

"How was your day?" Harry asked, plopping down in a chair.

"Very exciting," Jarbaby explained, his tiny purple face brightening, "The Madame cleaned my jar! I think she used some sort of muggle cleaner, perhaps Windex! It's almost magical, if I didn't know better, I'd swear I could reach out and touch you guys! Absolutely amazing! Enough about me though, it's you guys who have the real story to tell! Who was that man? The one that Uncle Steve stunned?"

Harry and Cedric exchanged a look. Cedric hadn't yet told Harry about Jarbaby's gift.

"Did you tell him?" Harry asked.

"No," Jarbaby chuckled in amusement, "I believe I SAW the event take place this morning. It was I who suggested the gorilla suit; I know Uncle Steve would actually do it."

"He's a seer," Cedric confirmed miserably. Not because the news he was delaying depressed him, but because he had kept it to himself for so long.

"I asked him not to tell you until I was ready," explained Jarbaby, "something bad might have occurred if he had."

So the two wizards and their son continued their discussion for another half hour, until Pomphrey threw them out.

**

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**(Somewhere: Hogwarts)**

Fred Weasley read the not again for the fifteenth time since he'd received it, but it still made now sense. The owl had gotten it to George during lunch.

'_Meet me in the chamber of Horrors at 10pm. No exceptions, no questions. JUST BE THERE. –Roger.'_

They hadn't yet accomplished his last set of orders, so why would he want to see them? Possibly to punish them for not accomplishing the order? Was it plausible that the twins were going to be the next victims of the Chamber of Horrors?

Eh, probably not.

Fred looked over the note one last time before pocketing it and skipping off to find George.

**

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**(Hospital parking lot- London)**

Vernon Dursley had just stepped outside for a smoke. It had been a long, brutal day; the doctors had informed him that every second they postponed surgery could cost Dudley his life, and that the infection might be spreading.

Lighting his cigarette, Vernon gazed absentmindedly into the night sky. The stars, bright as ever, seemed to mock him in his misery. Something in the distance caught his eye. At first he thought it was a far-away helicopter hoping to land on the hospitals roof, but as the object came closer he saw that it was an owl. The creature was headed straight toward him.

The large brown barn owl landed at his feet, stuck out its leg, and indicated that Vernon should take the letter that was attached.

Glancing all around to ensure that no one was watching, Vernon snatched up the official looking parchment and hastily tore into it.

'_Dear Mr. Dursley, because of your service to our kind, we in the Wizarding World would be happy to extend our assistance to your family. The following number will connect you to the finest hospital our kind has to offer, the healers there can cure all muggle diseases. Thank you. –A. Dumbledore'_

As promised, the letter contained a telephone number where he could reach St. Mungos, which he hastily whipped out his cell phone and dialed.

…oh how the mighty have fallen.

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**-What will Dumbledore learn from his conversation with Mr. Crouch? How are the Champions going to prepare for the third task? Will Steve figure out that Cedric knows the identity of the-boy-in-the-gorilla-suit? Will Harry tell Ron and Hermione everything? How does Jarbaby's secret fit into the picture? How will the Dursley's react to the wizard healers? More importantly, how will the Wizarding World react to the Dursley's? Find out next time on The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself: Harry Potter Soap Opera!**

**A/N: Well first off, thanks to those of you who review. I love that. Please continue to do so!!!! I'd really like to have at least 40 reviews for this story before I post Episode 10, just to know you're watching, ya know? Right now we're only 6 reviews away from that goal. I think it can be met, I believe in you guys!!!!! **

**Now, doesn't it seem just like the Dursley's to treat Harry like crap all his life, but then expect the Wizarding World to treat them as though they've done them some great service and expect favors? I kinda thought so…**

**Also, how many of you think I should give Jarbaby a name? What do you think that name should be?**

**I'm open for suggestions guys, if there's anything you want to see happen in future chapters in this story, tell me about 'em! REVIEW ReViEw review!!!!!**


	10. Episode 10: Ooh, Shiny!

**Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (tear)**

**Hogwarts: The Soap Opera!**

**(Formerly titled: ME and MY Oboe)**

**AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.**

**Episode #10: Ooh, Shiny!**

_Last time: The Dursley's give up on the muggle doctors, and go to Dumbledore for help with Dudley's condition. The monks begin their counciling sessions with the students. Cho discovers that she can read minds. Draco begs Ginny to forgive him, then joins the Weasley twins in service to Roger the green fairy. Harry and Cedric learn about the upcoming third task, then along with Steve (dressed as a gorrilla) and Victor Krum find Mr. Crouch in the Forest._

_A/N: Sorry it's taken so long for me to post this, there's this little thing called life........it happens. Anyway, Read. Enjoy, Review._

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Sirius Black sat in his cave reading the packet of letters he had finally received. Apparently Harry's owl had been on strike for the past few months and had refused to deliver any mail.

From what he could tell from Harry's letters, his Godson had had several encounters with Death Eaters. That included everything from the Douchebaggery that had occurred at the Quidditch World Cup, to the Headmaster of Durmstrang. He was also competing as the fourth champion in the Triwizard Tournament. There was also something about Ron secretly being in love with Hermione, an orgy with the school healer; and an incident involving Victor Krum, Cedric Diggory, Barty Crouch, and a guy in a gorilla suit. That kind of sounded like the beginning of a bad joke.

Finally, the thing that distressed Sirius the most was the news that his Godson was gay, had somehow gotten pregnant, had had the child only to find that it was deformed and trapped in a jar for it's entire life, then been outed by his best friend. Sirius was pretty sure that covered it. The entire year in a nut shell. Man he'd missed a lot.

However, the news papers seemed to claim differently.

Triwizard Romance, Article by Rita Skeeter. The article began with a large, full color photo of the three male champions standing at the edge of the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts. His Godson and another boy were kissing passionately while the other watched with a shocked look on his face. The story contained some interviews with Slytherins, as well as several comments that were supposedly from the champions themselves. Including a colorful remark from the lone female champions about how the boys seemed to have no appreciation for her beauty. Not to mention the well placed comment from Cedric Diggory's best friend, "Personally, I think it's a Seeker thing."

Then there were the letters from Ron. Those were COMPLETELY useless. It was as if the boy were distracted easily by shiny objects or something.

"What is it with teenagers and their raging hormones these days?" He wondered out loud to himself.

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DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A/N!!!!!!!!!!!!!

……THE GAME!

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**(Riddle House)**

Wormtail reveled in the silence that had fallen over the house since Voldemort had announced that he was going to take a nap. Not that it was ever that noisy, but the Dark Lord being out of the room gave him an opportunity to use the computer. More accurately, it gave him an excuse to sit in the rolly chair that matched the desk the computer sat on.

"Wee!" he shouted as he kicked against the wall and sent himself flying across the room. He didn't have to worry about waking the Dark Lord; because the instant his master fell asleep the man was dead to the world and wouldn't wake up until he felt like it. When Wormtail reached the other wall, he kicked against that and ended up exactly where he'd first started.

This would soon become his ritual, flying across the room in the rolly chair gave him an adrenaline rush he couldn't seem to find any place else.

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**(Hogwarts)**

Hermione Granger nervously straightened her unwrinkled skirt. She was standing awkwardly under a tree at the edge of the Black Lake, attempting to convince herself that she really wanted to do this. She figured she was making some progress, the standing seemed to be slightly better than the pacing and talking to herself she'd been doing earlier.

She was struggling to convince herself that breaking up with Victor was the right thing to do. All logic said that it was; her heart wasn't in it. Not to mention that she didn't want to open tomorrows paper to find a dramatically written article about herself and the three seekers.

Hermione had just set her mind to go knock on the ship door, when she felt a hand fall on her shoulder.

"Hey Granger," spinning on heel, she discovered that the hand belonged to a Hufflepuff sixth year named Steve McStevens. Not having much previous contact with the boy, Hermione found it rather odd. "Nice day, isn't it?"

"It's, er, very nice," Hermione agreed, careful to hide her annoyance at being interrupted. "Look, I'm about to have a very uncomfortable conversation with Victor. So um-,"

"Say no more," Steve said cheerfully, "shall I stick around and make it even more awkward, or get lost?"

"Um-,"

Steve smirked; he was having fun making the witch squirm.

"I'll just be your excuse," he said smugly. He put on his best Hermione voice and said, "Victor darling, I know it's terribly sudden, but I'd like to introduce you to Steve. He's my new boyfriend. I'm dumping you; have fun riding your broomstick."

He grinned as he watched the girl's reaction. Hermione now stood with both hands on her hips, and her mouth gaping open.

"That's offensive!" she shrieked once she'd found her voice.

"Oh," Steve laughed, not sorry at all, "I'm sorry."

Because she was so stressed out, and he was obviously patronizing her, Hermione shoved Steve in the lake.

"That felt good," she thought to herself, then Victor arrived, "damn, now I actually have to do this."

* * *

**(Owlery)**

Cedric Diggory was really getting fed up with Albus Dumbledore and his little experiments. The most recent one being his decision to allow the prefects to give detention to students that they believed had committed the horrible act of 'Douchebaggery'.

Naturally that hadn't gone well. Dumbledore had forgotten one minor detail: each prefect was extremely loyal to his or her own house. Therefore, if one dared to give detention to another's mate, that prefect could retaliate by giving the offensive prefect a detention of their very own.

Cedric had made this mistake one day when he'd witnessed a Slytherin doing something obscenely cruel to a Gryffindor.

Well of course that had started something, and soon the prefects were giving each other detentions right and left. The next thing anybody knew, all of them were gathered in the same classroom being stared down by their heads of house.

That hadn't been a pleasant experience. He just hoped he could get his business in the Owlery taken care of before he wound up having to repeat it.

Sealing the envelope, he secured it to the leg of one of the school owls.

"That takes care of that problem," he muttered to himself as he watched it fly away. It seemed like ages since Jarbaby had taken him aside and warned him of his impending doom. After going through all stages of grief, he'd suddenly realized: he wasn't dead yet!

Now he was taking the appropriate steps necessary to ensure his survival in the upcoming task.

* * *

**(Library)**

After several attempts at stunning himself, Harry Potter had been forced to admit he needed help. He'd gone to the Gryffindor common room, where he'd found Ron singing a horrible tune about Hermione, Krum, and their imminent break up.

Now they sat together at a table in the back of the library, pouring over huge volumes of books in an attempt to search for anything helpful. Occasionally one of them would find something particularly useless and cast it on the other. They would then have to find the counter-spell to whatever they had done.

Ron was currently skimming through a gigantic book titled _Totally Useless Jinxes that Produce Amusing Results_, searching for a counter to the Monkey-Bum Jinx he'd cast on Harry.

Harry, who's bum had sprouted a tail and was covered in fur, glared at his red-headed friend.

"Why would anyone ever need to use that?" he demanded, resisting the sudden urge to crap in his hand and fling it across the room. He was in a rather foul mood, obviously. In response, Ron showed him the title of the book the jinx had come out of. Harry rolled his eyes. "_Totally Useless Jinxes that Produce Amusing Results_? What is the bloody point of a 'Totally Useless Jinx'?"

"To produce amusing results?" Ron suggested. Finally he reached the page with the counter jinx. He raised his want to perform it, "now hold still."

Tail free, it was now Harry's turn to try out a jinx he discovered that would cause Ron to ooze mud and somewhat resemble the Swamp Thing.

"Nice one!" Ron grinned, raising his hand for a high five. Too late Harry remembered the jinx he'd just put on Ron. When their hands met in the air, mud splattered everywhere.

The librarian was giving the boys stern looks as they laughed hysterically and got mud all over the place.

(London-Hospital)

"1…2…3," the EMTs, using a lift sheet, transferred Dudley Dursley from his bed to the awaiting stretcher.

True to their word, the team from St. Mungo's had arrived less than an hour after Vernon's call.

Faster, and with more precision than they had seen thus far from their fellow muggles, the wizards prepared Dudley for transport.

Vernon didn't know how they were going to get to the wizard hospital, but based on his previous experiences, he was expecting something extravagant. So far however, the Medi-wizards seemed to be operated along the lines of any other health care team. He hadn't even seen one of them whip out their want and perform magic.

"We're ready," one of them said to the Dursley's. Then the three Medi-wizards began to carefully push the stretcher out of the room and down the hall.

Outside there was an ambulance waiting to take them to St. Mungo's. It looked exactly as a normal ambulance ought to, and Vernon was surprised to discover that he was slightly disappointed.

Every single encounter that he had had with wizards had been grand in some way. From waking up one morning to find a child on his doorstep, to the incident this summer when a group of wizards had blasted his fireplace across the room and caused Dudley's tongue to well enormously. It had all been extravagant. Fascinating.

This experience seemed normal in comparison.

As he and Petunia climbed into the back of the ambulance with their son, Vernon discovered just how wrong he'd been.

The interior was at least five times larger than it had appeared from the outside; making it roughly the size of the hospital room they had just left. There was a large comfortable orange couch against one of the sides for the Dursley's to sit on.

"Better fasten your seatbelts," the driver said glancing over his shoulder. His grin should have been a hint of what was coming.

It was a mark of how grave the situation truly was that Vernon didn't question the wizard's instructions. He simply obeyed.

When they were a safe distance away from the muggle hospital, the driver pressed a big purple button that was located on the dash board.

Then the ambulance was in the air.

So much for normal…

* * *

**(Outside the hospital wing)**

"…and we'll create a distraction." Fred Weasley concluded as he laid out his plan to his brother and the newest member of the group. "Do you have the equipment George?"

George Weasley patted a large bag that contained several dung bombs, and some screaming fire crackers.

"I've also recruited Peeves," he said mysteriously, his brother looked surprised for a second, then asked,

"Are you sure that was wise?"

"Of course brother. Think about it, the poltergeist wreaks havoc on the hospital wing, while we go in, get the girl, and get out. Nobody will suspect a thing." George explained.

"Brilliant," Fred agreed.

"What does Roger want with Chang anyway?" asked Draco. He had been recruited into the club a few days ago, and was only now beginning to question their motives. Not that he had anything against evil, destruction, or world domination; he just wanted to know what was going on.

"She's a mind reader," Fred answered shortly, pulling on a sparkly pink toboggan that clashed horribly with his hair, "so make sure you wear your anti-psychic hat."

Malfoy scowled down at the pink abomination in his hands. Deciding that at least he wouldn't look as ridiculous as the Weasley's, he put it on. George did the same.

"Everyone ready?" he asked once they had all donned their anti-psychic hats. When the other two nodded, George lit one of the fire crackers and threw it down the hall.

This was the signal.

Laughing maniacally, Peeves zoomed out of a large vase, smashing it. In his hands he held what appeared to be a muggle machine gun.

"You gave Peeves a gun?" Fred rounded on George in exasperation, "are you mental?"

Peeves fired the weapon, making a loud noise and resulting in a large green splotch on the far wall. He then turned and saluted the twins.

"It's a paint ball gun," George explained.

After that, the boys had no trouble snatching Cho from the hospital wing. Sure she put up a bit of a struggle, but a well placed stunner put a quick stop to that. They performed a charm that would make her body blend in with its surroundings, and levitated it down the corridor just as they had done with Trelawny and Floffy the House Elf.

"This pleases me greatly," Roger informed them all once the body was successfully tossed into the Chamber of Horror. "Very good indeed. You have now completed phase one of my master plan. For the start of phase two, I require the assistance of only one of you. George, you may stay. The rest of you must leave us for now; I shall contact you when I next require your assistance. You shall receive payment shortly." Once Fred and Draco left, Roger turned to George and continued his speech. "I know that I haven't explained my actions very well to any of you. Yet you've faithfully served me anyway, even when you began to doubt my motives. That sort of faith deserves a reward. First though, let me explain. The missions you've completed for me: The Clairvoyant, the Telepath, and the House-Elf who can move things with his mind. Every bit of that was so that I could acquire true form. George, I want to dominate the world. I'm an imaginary green fairy. I need a body so that I can become more than a figment of the imagination that requires the help of those with unattainable greed. George, I've chosen you to be my body. You who seek to betray me. YOU, who cannot even fathom what an honor it is to have my brilliant mind inside of you. You George, together, you and I will destroy this world and create in its place: A Paradise!

As he heard this last part, George saw that Roger's eyes were glowing blood red. This was the last thing he saw before the entire world faded and he blacked out.

* * *

**(Library)**

"I wonder what Dumbledore did with Mr. Crouch," Hermione mused, chewing on the end of her quill as she flipped through a book of anti-spells.

Unable to find a way to undo the mud-man jinx he'd put on Ron, Harry had been forced to go to the smartest witch in their year and beg for help. Not that it had taken that much begging. Once Harry had explained what they'd done, Hermione had been more than eager to help the boys. Not that the mud-man was fatal, Ron would be perfectly fine. In fact, men had lived decades under the same jinx. Hermione just needed something to distract her from her recent break-up, and the best way to do that was books; which the library had in abundance.

"Probably sent him to St. Mungos," Commented Ron, oozing some more mud, "The poor bloke's mental!"

"He seemed pretty sane to me, Ron," said Harry. He drew Hermione's attention to something in his book, and she shook her head. "Except for the parts about his dead son. That was weird."

"Well Harry, I'll stay here and try to sort Ron out. Why don't you go talk to Dumbledore?" Hermione suggested, her face lighting up as her eyes landed on a book that looked promising.

Harry had been fighting the urge to barge into Dumbledore's office and demand answers all day.

"Okay, I think I'll do that," he said to Hermione and Ron, before leaving the library.

Soon he arrived at Dumbledore's office. Though he'd done it several times before, Harry couldn't remember which gargoyle he was supposed to tickle; so he tickled them both. The wall swung open and allowed him to enter.

Entering the office, Harry heard the voice of Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic. He seemed to be denying that anyone had vanished mysteriously. He was also arrogantly stating that Bertha Jorkins, a ministry witch who had disappeared during the summer, had a tendency to lose herself and that the disappearances couldn't possibly be connected. Not to mention his belief that Mr. Crouch had simply lost his mind, and his prejudice against giants.

The next voice Harry heard belonged to Alastor Moody, who seemed to be informing all gathered that Harry was waiting to speak with Dumbledore. Moody followed this statement by opening the door and inviting him to enter.

Fudges demeanor shifted immediately, changing from agitated to enthusiastic the instant he laid eyes on The-Boy-Who-Lived. However, after a few pleasantries and a partial interrogation Fudge quickly tired of the boy and suggested he go back to class.

"Pardon me Minister," Dumbledore said pleasantly, smiling broadly at each person in his office, "but I believe Potter has something he wishes to discuss with me." Turning to speak directly to Harry, he continued, "Wait here, we won't be long."

Harry wondered vaguely why they needed to search the grounds, after all; he, Cedric, and Krum had brought Mr. Crouch directly to Dumbledore. However, he remained silent as the three men walked past him on their way out the door.

Once the sounds of their footsteps faded away, Harry sat down to wait for Dumbledore's return. Unfortunately, Harry Potter was a victim of the same curse that affects teenage boys all over the world. A curse with no name and no known cure. A dreadful curse that made them easily distracted by shiny objects.

Perhaps it was because Albus Dumbledore had been a teenaged boy once himself and knew about this curse that seemed to affect most of the male students at Hogwarts. Perhaps he'd never fully grown up. Perhaps he was simply mocking them. Whatever the reason, Dumbledore's office was just full of shiny objects.

Naturally, Harry's eyes were immediately drawn to the shiniest object in the room: a sliver of silvery light shining brightly from a cabinet where the doors weren't shut.

"Ooh, shiny!" Harry exclaimed, rushing to the cabinet and pushing the doors open. The silvery light was coming from the contents of a shallow stone basin. He didn't have any idea what was in the basin, but was suddenly overcome with an intense urge to touch it.

Never one to resist urges, he hopped right in, and found himself in some sort of courtroom watching two dementors drag the headmaster of Durmstrang into a chair with chains on the arms.

"Well this can't be good," Harry murmured to himself, jumping as somebody behind him sneezed. "Bless you," he answered automatically. He turned to offer the sneezer a tissue and discovered that it was none other than Dumbledore. "Professor?"

When Dumbledore didn't answer, Harry began to realize that where ever he was, nobody could see him.

"Sweet!"

On the floor below, Mr. Crouch began to speak. Something about Azkaban, the Ministry of Magic, and some important information. Karkaroff groveled a lot, some people glared, and Mad-eye Moody cursed under his breath. Then Karkaroff betrayed a bunch of Death eaters, including Severus Snape who had eventually become Dumbledore's spy (because he was in love with Harry's mom, but we're not really supposed to know that yet, so just forget I said anything).

Harry watched several other trials, including that of Ludo Bagman, and perhaps most surprising: Barty Crouch's son, who'd been accused of torturing Neville Longbottem's parents.

"Whoa," Harry muttered, glad nobody could hear him.

"Having fun?" asked a quiet voice in his ear, "I think you've seen enough."

"I'm sorry professor," Harry mumbled guiltily, "but it was so shiny!"

Dumbledore explained that he understood completely, and that Pensieves often have that affect on people. He informed Harry that sometimes he used it to understand his own thoughts. Then, since Harry obviously didn't understand, he demonstrated exactly that.

"Now, what did you want to speak with me about?"

"Um, I was wondering what happened to Mr. Crouch," Harry said quietly, "I know it's none of my business, but I was curious."

"Quite understandable," Dumbledore nodded, "I had him sent to St. Mungos, however, they sent word this morning that he's gone missing."

"That explains why the minister was here," Harry muttered to himself.

"Indeed." Dumbledore went on to explain that Voldemort's ascent to power was marked by disappearances, and that there had been several of them lately. Then he wished Harry good luck in the third task and sent him on his way.

* * *

**(St. Mungos)**

"That ought to do it," a Healer said enthusiastically as Dudley gulped down the rest of a potion designed to treat his illness. "How do you feel?"

Cautiously, Dudley examined the arm he had been so close to losing. Already the skin was regrowing, and the coloring was getting back to normal. Making a fist, he attempted to contract his arm muscles, and successfully did so in a pain-free manner.

"I'm healed," Dudley exclaimed, eyes widening with disbelief, "it's a miracle!"

"No son," Petunia said, gazing at the healer in wonder, "it's magic." Dudley hugged his mother, while the Healer quietly told Vernon that Dudley's arm would be back to normal in a few hours.

"Perhaps I was wrong about that nephew of mine," Vernon thought vaguely as he joined his family in a celebratory group hug, "eh; he's still a strange one."

"Dad, I think we were wrong about Harry," Dudley said suddenly, "sure he's a strange little bugger, but he's not so bad really. And I think I like magic."

"I do too Duds, I do too."

-Wanna know what happens next? You're just gonna have to read and find out.


	11. Episode 11: The Third Task!

_**Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (Tear)**_

Hogwarts: The Soap Opera!

(Formerly titled: ME and MY Oboe)

AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.

_Last time: Dudley gets healed. Harry gets a visit with Dumbledore's penseive. Hermione breaks up with Krum. Cedric mails something. Malfoy and the Weasley twins complete Phase 1 of Roger's Master Plan for World Domination._

**Episode 11: The Third Task**

**

* * *

**

**(Monk's Office)**

The office was filled with an awkward silence as the four monks stared over their desk at the girl who refused to talk.

Ginny Weasley was curled up on a beanbag chair across from them. She was only there because she had to be, and had absolutely no intention of actually talking to these monks. What she didn't know was that it was thanks to her that these monks were at Hogwarts in the first place. Had they not received her letter, the likelihood that they would have made the decision to counsel troubled students was very small.

Of course, Ginny didn't know this. All she could think about was how she'd written a letter to an anonymous newspaper column. She'd never dreamed that the monks who wrote it would actually come to Hogwarts. Yet here they were, sitting at the desk across from her, and willing her to share her secrets.

So not gonna happen.

"Ms. Weasley, isn't there something you'd like to talk to us about? We're only here to help," a monk with hair nearly as red as hers begged in exasperation.

Ginny shook her head.

One of the monks opened his mouth, probably to suggest she leave and quit wasting their time, only to be silenced by a look from the Head Monk.

"Alright then," the Head Monk (Who will from this point on be known as Brother Ringo) said with a Dumbledore-like understanding. "Why don't you tell us more about yourself then? What are your likes? Your dislikes? What's your favorite Quidditch team?"

Getting over her initial shock as she realized that these monks weren't going to pressure her to get personal before she was ready, Ginny began to open up about her dreams and ambitions. By the end of the hour, the monks knew quite a bit about the girl, and they'd rather enjoyed themselves learning it.

* * *

Disclaimer: nope, still not mine.

Theme Song

**

* * *

**

**(Hogwarts: Library)**

"It's like he thinks somebody's out to get me or something," Harry whined after he read Sirius' most recent letter, "he almost sounds as paranoid as Professor Moody!"

"Harry," Cedric chuckled as he turned the page of a book, "I'm not sure it's considered paranoia when they really ARE out to get you."

Harry frowned, "Alright Mr. Smart Guy, what do you know that I don't?"

"How to peel a potato with my mind," Cedric replied teasingly.

Harry glared.

Being exempt from finals, the boys were in the library looking up fresh hexes for the up coming task. The pile of books on the table before them was considerably shorter than it had been a few weeks ago.

"Fine," Cedric admitted, "I can't actually do that, but you've got to admit it would be awesome."

"Stop changing the subject, or I'll turn you into a mud monster," Harry threatened, "I'm warning you, I don't know the counter spell and Hermione is in class!"

Cedric remained silent for a moment, thinking. Since he'd brought it up, he needed to explain. However, figure out the best way to do that was going to take some skill- if he didn't want to end up with a tail.

"Well Harry, I think Sirius is right. I mean, think about it: you're the fourth champion in the Triwizard Tournament. TRI-wizard, as in three. It would take somebody REALLY powerful to trick an old magic object- like the Goblet of Fire- into thinking that there were more than three schools involved."

"That's exactly what Moody said," complained Harry.

"He's right! Somebody really powerful wants you out of the picture!"

Harry was saved from having to reply to this when Draco Malfoy and his band of goons stalked into the library.

"Hey Pothead!" Malfoy shouted joyfully, "We wanted to show you and Diggory our new badges!"

The Slytherin OLD badges had read 'Support Cedric Diggory, the really Hogwarts Champion. Potter Stinks.' Now they said in big sparkly pink letters, 'Support Durmstrang. Hogwarts is Gay.' Crabbe and Goyle guffawed like the big stupid dunderheads that they were, while Malfoy just sneered.

"Very clever Malfoy," Harry said as though he were patronizing an immature child, "did you think of that all by yourself?"

Meanwhile, Cedric was working some very difficult sixth year magic.

"Hey Malfoy," he said suddenly.

Malfoy turned to look at him, and a look of shock slid across his features mere seconds before he began to punch himself repeatedly in the face.

"Stop hitting yourself!" Harry laughed as he and Cedric abandoned their books and left the library.

**

* * *

**

**(St. Mungos)**

"I bet your all very proud of your nephew," a short plump woman in turquoise robes attempted to make small talk with the Dursleys as she checked Dudley's vital signs, "tied for first place in the Triwizard Tournament? I'm sure nobody saw that coming."

"Er…" agreed Vernon, as though he had actually understood a word of the witch's statement, "yes, very proud."

"Did he really fight of a dragon?" Dudley asked in awe, causing his parents to stare at him in disbelief, "What? I read!"

"Since when?" grunted Vernon, at the same exact moment Petunia said,

"Awe, ickle Duddy-kins cares!"

Dudley rolled his eyes. The truth was, since he'd been at St. Mungos, he'd had nothing to do BUT read the Dailey Prophet; which he'd found on his bedside table every morning. His cousin was quite the celebrity, it seemed like there was a new article about him everyday; though most of them were irrelevant.

"I heard that they were inviting family members to the third task," the woman was saying, "you all should go!"

**

* * *

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**(Riddle House)**

Wormtail leaned over his cauldron; he was concentrating hard to ensure that he made no mistakes. He found it hard to believe that this was the last time he would ever brew this particular potion. That tomorrow night the Dark Lord would return more powerful than ever.

"Wormtail!" the high pitched squeal came from an overstuffed chair, "I need more batteries!"

Due to the fact that he was such a dimwitted individual, Wormtail was unable to think of more than one thing at a time. He chose to finish his potion before worrying about anything else.

"Wormtail! I need more batteries!"

Shaking his head, Wormtail began to pour the contents of his cauldron into a cup. There really wasn't anything the Dark Lord could do to him at the moment- though he could always kill him later.

"Wormtail! I need more batteries!"

"It's time for your potion, master," Wormtail attempted to soothe the Dark Lord, "this is the last time you'll ever have to drink it!"

Voldemort drank the potion obediently, then flung the cup against the far wall and demanded batteries. It seemed his Gameboy had died.

**

* * *

**

**(History of Magic- 4****th**** years)**

'Name the first goblin from Eastern Europe ever to eat an entire party of leprechauns, and explain how that pertains to the Australian revolution.'

Ron read the first question on his test and was completely baffled. He glanced a the papers around him only to discover that Hermione was already on question seven, Lavender Brown was offering Professor Binns sexual favors in exchange for a good score; and in the answer spaces provided Neville Longbottem was drawing a donkey.

Groaning inwardly, Ron realized that he was completely screwed. He found himself wishing he'd actually taken notes in class. Too late for that now, he decided to use his favorite test taking strategy: Make it up.

The goblins that made history all seemed to have long names that were half nonsense, half overly descriptive. Making up the name shouldn't be very difficult. However, Ron knew absolutely nothing about the Australian Revolution. He'd just have to make that up too.

Fighting the urge to laugh at the look of disappointment that crossed Lavender's face as Professor Binns rejected her efforts, Ron dipped his quill into the bottle of Anti-Cheat ink he was sharing with Hermione and began to write the tale of Redart the Angry.

A few times he caught Hermione glancing at his paper and shaking her head with disapproval. He responded to this by continuing to make up all of the answers that he didn't know until Binns called time and collected their papers.

"I can't believe you didn't know the answer to question fourteen," Hermione griped as she and Ron went to lunch. Ron rolled his eyes and pretended to listen to her. She'd been in a bad mood since breaking up with Victor, and Ron was slowly learning that when he agreed with her, she didn't yell at him.

"I should have paid more attention in class," Ron agreed monotonously. This unfortunately appeared to be overkill. Now Hermione believed he was mocking her, and proceeded to berate the hell out of him all the way to the Great Hall.

"Hey guys," Harry said brightly as he set his tray down next to Ron's, "how was the exam?"

"Cake," Grunted Hermione.

"It was that easy, huh?" Harry asked conversationally, seeming to be in a better mood than usual.

"Actually," Steve commented as he and Cedric sat down across the table from the three fourth years, "I think the lady wants your cake." At a glare from Hermione, Steve hastily passed his own across the table.

Doing his best to stay out of Hermione's reach, should she decided to punch him, Cedric passed his as well adding, "you'd better give it to her. It's THAT time of the month. You know how they get."

Harry, a look of horror etched across his face, wordlessly passed his cake as well.

One glance around the hall could tell even the most casual observer that something was off. For one thing, the noise level was down quite abit. Also, the boys seemed to be trying to stay as far away from the girls as their respective friend groups would allow.

That was one of the big problems of having a bunch of teenage girls living in close proximity to one another: they were all on the same menstrual cycle. During one week each month, every boy at Hogwarts lived in terror, because the girls became monsters. THIS was THAT time of the month.

"So," Ron attempted to change the subject, "you guys ready for tomorrow?"

"I think I'm as ready as I can be," Cedric shrugged, being vague on purpose.

"Me too," Harry agreed, "and if not, I can just stun myself!"

"Why's Malfoy punching himself repeatedly in the face?" Steve wondered, backing away from the table as Hermione eyed Ron's cake with a hunger so fierce she looked slightly inhuman.

"He probably refused to give one of the Slytherin girls his cake," Ron muttered as Hermione's arm suddenly whipped out and grabbed HIS cake. He shuddered slightly as she turned and growled at him.

**

* * *

**

**(LUNCH: THE NEXT DAY…)**

It was the day of the third task, and the last day of finals. The girls were still on their periods, and the Hogwarts staff now feared for the safety of it's male population. Because of this, they were no longer allowed to eat at the same lunch tables. The Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables were reserved for the girls, while the boys were crammed together at the Slytherin and Gryffindor tables.

While the girls were either silent, or growling at eachother, the boys were either discussing the third task or the girls.

"I have an idea! Or maybe it just heard it in a movie one time. Either way it's totally awesome!" Steve said suddenly, causing all of the boys around him to glance in his direction, "Chicks dig babies! So let's like, get a bunch of babies and rent them out to single guys!"

That was the only part of Steve's idea that anybody ever got the chance to hear, because Professor McGonnigal made an announcement telling the Champions to go into the room just off the Great hall where they had met the first night.

"What do you think this is about?" Harry muttered as he and Cedric made their way to the room.

"No idea," mumbled Cedric.

"You're families are here!" Fleur exclaimed, poking her head through the door, "hurry!"

"Damn," whispered Cedric. His father hadn't had a civilized word to say to him since Rita's 'Orgy' article had hit the news stands. The 'Triwizard Romance' article had only made things worse. Also, in an attempt to keep his boyfriend from worrying, Cedric hadn't told him any of this.

Luckily, what Cedric didn't know was the Harry had overheard several of the Howlers Amos Diggory had sent. Not the mention the fact that the boy was very perceptive and could tell exactly what Cedric was thinking simply by reading his facial expression and body language. He reached over and firmly grasped the older boy's hand.

"We've got to face him sometime," Harry whispered encouragingly. Cedric nodded and gave the boy a weak smile. Together they entered the room. Immediately they were tackled by two very concerned mothers.

"Harry!" screeched Mrs. Weasley, wrapping him in a huge bear hug.

Despite his father's anger and standoffishness Cedric's mother had him in a bear hug of her very own. Harry felt a great rush of affection for this woman he'd never met.

Across the room, Victor Krum was discussing cell phones with Vernon Dursley. Petunia was eyeing a painting with interest, and Dudley was oogling Fleur, as was Bill Weasley.

"No way," Harry muttered as he spotted the Dursleys. "No freaking way!"

"Hello boy," Vernon hollered across the room, "come over here and give your aunt a hug!"

Exchanging a look with Cedric, who had wiggled out of his mothers embrace and was now being verbally ripped apart by his father, Harry wasn't sure what to do.

That's when the last thing Harry ever expected to happen occurred. From across the room, his cousin Dudley came striding toward him.

"Hey Cous', is there a problem here?"

"Hey Dudley," Harry said cautiously, "what are you doing here?"

"Just thought I'd come watch my favorite cousin compete in the Triwizard Tournament," Dudley said conversationally, watching his cousin's eyes drift from his face to the boy in the corner who seemed to be getting chewed out by his father, "that a friend of yours?"

Harry nodded absentmindedly.

'I guess some of those articles in the Daily Prophet WERE true,' Dudley thought to himself. Taking a final look at his cousin, Dudley strolled across the room and stared down at Amos Diggory who was dwarfed in comparison.

"'sup dude," he nodded to Cedric, who gave him a funny look, "so, you're the other Hogwarts Champion, are ya? Well, I hope you know that my cousin is going to kick your ass."

"Is he now?" Amos said angrily as he glared from Dudley, to his son, to Harry.

"Yep," Dudley said brightly, "and I'm going to kick yours if this behavior keeps up."

Amos Diggory glared dangerously and pulled out his wand.

"I don't think so buddy," Dudley grinned, placing a hand on the smaller man's shoulder, "you're a wizard and I'm a muggle. If you attack me with that I can say that you're a Death Eater and you'll go to Azkaban!"

"He's right Dad," Cedric said quietly, wincing as his father's fist made contact with his face.

"Well that was rude," Dudley said cheerfully, sending Amos flying across the room with a single blow.

"Er," Cedric grunted, glancing up at Dudley, a bruise already forming on his cheek, "thanks?"

"Any time Dude," Dudley grinned, offering his hand to the startled Hufflepuff, who quickly pulled himself back together and shook it. "Now I'm going to make my cousin give me a tour," Dudley said loudly, indicating that he was leaving the room and that his cousin and posse should come as well.

Vernon and Petunia choosing the company of Molly Weasley and family, Harry and Cedric agreed to give Dudley the Grande Tour.

* * *

The boys had a rather pleasant afternoon together. Dudley explained about his recent illness, and how he'd come to know so much about the Wizarding world. At one point he became fed up with the shocked looks he was receiving from his cousin.

"What? I can read you know!"

After that was cleared up, the three continued to walk around the grounds enjoying the beautiful spring day. The only mishap occurring when Dudley spotted Hagrid; the half-giant had once given him a pig's tail. He'd never fully recovered.

* * *

At dinner they were joined by the rest of the Weasley's, who after the initial shock of having muggles in their midst wore off, were quite accommodating. Ginny even took Dudley's cake. Paying no mind to the separation in the Great Hall, Mrs. Weasley had lead the group straight to the girls table.

One second they were having any ALMOST pleasant meal, the next it was time to make their way down to the Quidditch Pitch.

* * *

After wishing everyone luck at the locker room, the Weasley's and the Dursley's went to find seats. Dudley, however, stayed behind with his cousin for a few moments extra.

"I'm a wrestler," he blurted suddenly. Harry had noticed the weight loss earlier, but had been so distracted by the personality changes that he hadn't commented. "Before I walk out into the ring for a match, my coach gives me a pep talk. Now, I don't know you that well, and I've always treated you crappy, but let's push all of that to the side right now. I've been keeping tabs on you through the papers. You're really famous. People like you. Potter, you have the entire world behind you! I believe in you! So go get 'em champ!"

Okay, so it was really cheesy, but Dudley's pep talk served it's purpose. Smiling to himself as he watched his cousin bravely walk out before the thousands gathered in the stands and give them an enthusiastic wave.

Dudley joined his parents in the stands and prepared to publically support his cousin for the first time in their entire lives.

As Harry walked from the locker room to the beginning of the maze, he made eye contact with each of his fellow champions. The four of them had had a long journey together, and for three of them it would end here tonight. Sure he had hopes for a long happy life with Cedric, but he wondered if he would ever see Fleur or Krum again once the tournament came to an end.

* * *

Of course, he was getting ahead of himself. They still had an enormous maze full of mythical creatures to get to the center of.

The time it took for Bagman to explain the rules to everyone and for the professors to arrange themselves outside the maze seemed to pass in a blur. The next thing Harry knew, he and Cedric were being ushered to the starting line where they would be the first to enter. Then someone fired a starting pistol and they were off.

"See you," Cedric muttered, going right as they came to a fork in the maze. Harry went left, lighting his wand to see through the darkness.

Shortly after picking his path, Harry heard two more whistle blasts; Krum, then Fleur had entered the Maze.

"Help!" shouted an unfamiliar voice up ahead. Before him appeared a little green man wearing a green top hat and a green suit. "Help! They're after me Blarmy Stone!"

"Er, I'm a little busy at the moment," Harry muttered, attempting to push past the thing he now recognized as a leprechaun. This seemed to upset the tiny man. His face turned bright red and little plumes of smoke began to pour out his ears.

Harry watched as his surroundings began to shimmer a bit as he stared down at the leprechaun. Then suddenly the maze around him seemed to become glittery silver. So shiny he was momentarily blinded.

Wondering why he hadn't learned any spells to protect himself from angry leprechauns, Harry furiously blinked and attempted to orient himself with his new surroundings. He seemed to be floating high above the ground. The queasy feeling in his stomach told him not to look down. He did anyway.

"What the hell?" he was riding a rainbow. Then it got even worse: horrible disco music began blasting from an undisclosed location and he felt a sudden urge to dance.

He was shaking his groove thang, really getting jiggy with it; when the music stopped. In fact, as suddenly as Harry had found himself riding a rainbow through a sparkly room and dancing disco, everything returned to normal.

"Wow." Sensing movement from behind, Harry spun around and prepared to attack. He was relieved to find that it was only Cedric, looking as though he'd lost a fight with a cheese grader, but otherwise unhurt.

"Got mauled by one of those blasted Skrewts!" he hissed angrily. Before Harry could say anything helpful or otherwise, the older boy dove through the bushes and onto another path. After Cedric's departure, Harry realized that the boy had left something behind. A closer look told him that it was a shredded pair of trousers. Harry pocketed them for later use and continued on his way.

Casting a quick Four-Point spell, he allowed his wand to tell him where to go. He encountered several strange enchantments. One particularly nasty one had turned his entire body green and replaced his clothing with a red G-string. At one point he'd heard Fleur scream; possibly she'd happened across the same enchantment- or possibly even one of Hagrid's Blast-Ended Skrewts. Either way, Harry assumed she was out of the running.

That left only Krum, Cedric, and himself.

Following the light from his wand, Harry prayed that he didn't come across anyone else. That was partially due to his being green and practically naked. There was also the fact that he suddenly envisioned himself actually winning the tournament. It was as he was thinking this happy thought that an enormous shadow came over him.

"So much for that," he sighed as he found himself facing a Blast-Ended Skrewt. Suddenly he had a stroke of brilliance and pointed his wand at the Skrewt's fleshy underside and cast a tickle charm. Unfortunately, as it hit the ground it pinned him up against the wall of the maze and proceeded to gouge out at him with it's gigantic claws. Harry rolled through the bushes onto another path just in time to witness Krum pointing his wand at Cedric and shouting "Crucio!"

Cedric screamed out in pain, and Krum took off at a run.

"Stupify!" Harry shouted, his stunner hitting Krum in the back. He hit the ground and stopped moving.

"Well that really sucks," Cedric commented once he'd stopped twitching.

"Are you alright?" Harry asked, looking over his boyfriend's injuries with a look of concern on his face. "Man, I though he was one of the good guys!"

"So did I."

Eventually Cedric raised his wand and shot a brilliant shower of red sparks into the air above Krum so that someone could retrieve him from the maze before he was eaten by something.

The boys stood there for a moment, breathing deeply and taking it all in. Then suddenly they caught sight of eachother.

Harry, still green and wearing nothing but a red G-string suddenly remembered that Cedric had lost his pants early in the maze. He practically choked when he saw the older boy's outrageous boxer shorts: they were metallic and pink.

"You're laughing at me," Cedric deadpanned, looking Harry up and down, "YOU'RE laughing at ME? Really?" then, noticing the way his boyfriend shivered slightly every time the wind blew, Cedric pulled his own robe off and handed it over.

Of course, then the two of them looked even more ridiculous: Cedric wearing a shirt and tie paired with his metallic pink boxers, and Harry clutching an oversized robe bearing the Hufflepuff crest tightly around himself.

"Well, s'pose we'd better go on," Harry said at last, not sure he really wanted to, but knowing that they were still competing against eachother.

"We should," Cedric agreed, "but why though? It's a guaranteed Hogwarts victory regardless."

So it was settled. Rather than split up and finish the task as competitors, the Hogwarts champions decided to finish the tournament together and split the cash reward. Now if they could just find the stupid cup everything would go back to normal.

Naturally there was a gigantic spider in the way. It roared and clicked its pincers menacingly.

"Stupify! Impedimenta! Stupify!" the boys hurled spells at it, but that only seemed to irritate it.

Then the thing had Harry and was swinging him around by his leg.

"Expellarmus!" translation? Drop me you stupid bastard!

Success. The spider dropped Harry and broke his leg. A well timed stunning spell finally stopped the creature as he and Cedric shouted 'Stupify' at the same time.

"Well this really sucks," Harry said from his position on the ground. Having been clawed by a giant Blast-Ended Skrewt and now practically mauled by a spider, Harry was in quite a lot of pain. Cedric was much better off, but at least he was still standing.

"Yeah," Cedric agreed, practically glaring at the Triwizard Cup that had appeared out of thin air between them. The idea was to take the cup together. He knew that the cup was a portkey. He also knew what was waiting on the other side. Part of him wanted desperately to grab it by himself and protect the other boy with all he was worth. The more intelligent part of him knew that Harry wouldn't appreciate him getting himself killed unnecessarily.

So, knowing that what he was about to do would affect the entire Wizarding world for years to come, Cedric Diggory lifted Harry Potter into his arms and together they grasped the Triwizard Cup.

…and then they were flying.

* * *

………what awaits our heroes at the portkeys destination? What's the deal with Cedric's pink shorts? Have the Dursley's really had a change of heart? Be sure to tune in next time!

---Just a quick note: up next is our Season Finale!!!!! Hopefully it will leave you BEGGING for season 2!


	12. Episode 12: Season Finale!

_**Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (Tear)**_

Hogwarts: The Soap Opera!

(Formerly titled: ME and MY Oboe)

AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.

_**Episode #12: Season Finale!**_

_**A/n: bold lines come directly from the text**_.

Previously:

"_Well this really sucks," Harry said from his position on the ground. Having been clawed by a giant Blast-Ended Skrewt and now practically mauled by a spider, Harry was in quite a lot of pain. Cedric was much better off, but at least he was still standing._

"_Yeah," Cedric agreed, practically glaring at the Triwizard Cup that had appeared out of thin air between them. The idea was to take the cup together. He knew that the cup was a portkey. He also knew what was waiting on the other side. Part of him wanted desperately to grab it by himself and protect the other boy with all he was worth. The more intelligent part of him knew that Harry wouldn't appreciate him getting himself killed unnecessarily._

_So, knowing that what he was about to do would affect the entire Wizarding world for years to come, Cedric Diggory lifted Harry Potter into his arms and together they grasped the Triwizard Cup._

…_and then they were flying._

"It's a portkey!" Harry exclaimed in terror as he and Cedric were slammed into the ground in some unknown location.

They seemed to be in a graveyard; if the granite tombstone they'd been smashed into was any indication.

"Get out your wand," Cedric muttered quietly, squinting to get a better look at their surroundings.

From the darkness a voice rasped, "Kill the spare."

As his eyes adjusted to the night, Harry noticed a rat-faced man, whom he immediately recognized as Wormtail, holding a bundle of cloth. Following orders, Wormtail gently laid the bundle on a nearby headstone and pulled out his wand.

"Avada Kedavra!" he shouted, a flash of green light pouring from the wand.

Harry watched in horror as the death curse hit Cedric. However, once the smoke cleared, Harry realized that the curse had failed. Cedric had been knocked back a few steps, and his shorts were smoking a little around the edges, but he was otherwise unharmed.

"What?" he muttered to himself as he huddled behind a tree and watched the scene unfold, "no way!"

Disgruntled by his failure, Wormtail attempted the curse a second time. And for the second time that day, Cedric failed to die and Wormtail failed to kill him.

Terrifying as the situation was, Harry found it oddly hilarious. He made the mistake of laughing out loud and attracted the attention of whatever was inside the bundle of cloth.

"Just stun the fool!" it rasped as Wormtail's third death curse failed.

"Yes master," was Wormtail's pathetic reply. Really, if he hadn't been their mortal enemy Harry might have felt sorry for the poor man. "Stupify!"

Harry watched as his boyfriend whipped out his wand to defend himself; now that it was perfectly clear that he wouldn't be an easy kill, Cedric was willing to put up a fight. He blocked the spell and ducked behind a headstone and attempted an impediment spell. The only problem with that being that he forgot to aim. Rather than stop Wormtail from coming after him, the spell hit a group of bats that were flying over the graveyard, causing them to fall from the sky. As Wormtail looked up to see what was happening, a large bat landed on his face and stuck it's foot in his eye.

"Ow!" he cursed.

"Harry!" Cedric shouted from his hiding place, "get to the port-," He was silenced when Wormtail's stunner finally hit him.

"Damn," Harry cursed just before he was stunned as well.

* * *

When he came to, he was tied to a Headstone, and Wormtail was missing a hand. Before him stood Lord Voldemort.

"Hello Harry Potter," the Dark Lord said, "I'm baa-aack!"

Knowing it was too late for him to pretend like he was still unconscious; Harry opened his eyes and looked around. The crack of apparition could be heard from every direction as Lord Voldemort's old supporters returned, once again, to his service.

As the death eaters formed a circle around the Dark Lord, he began to slowly pace around and eventually began to speak. What followed was the typical pep talk.

"Blah blah we're here, blah blah we're evil. Blah blah we're united. Blah blah blah LET'S GO KILL SOME MUGGLES!!" except for the whole 'yay! Let's go kill people' part. The Dark Lord was actually kind of pissed at his followers. He ranted a little, raved a bit, and even talked to himself some…sort of like a mad-man. He berated them for not bringing him back sooner, and seemed upset that so few of them were in prison. He accused them all of supporting Dumbledore, and proceeded to cast the Cruciatus curse on random people.

As agonized screams filled the night, Harry watched as Voldemort made Wormtail a new hand, and then proceeded to identify the death eaters. Harry stored each name aside for later usage.

Malfoy. Avery. Lestrange. Macnair. Crabbe. Goyle. Nott.

Not surprising.

"**He is at Hogwarts, that faithful servant, and it is through his efforts that our young friend arrived here tonight…" **

Every eye was suddenly on Harry. Then Voldemort launched into the tale of how he'd both lost and regained his powers. He was appropriately dramatic. Really, the man would have made a most excellent story teller, had he chosen a different career.

It was all stuff Harry already knew, so he zoned out for a while and wondered what had happened to Cedric. He also wondered how his boyfriend had survived the death curse three times. Harry was definitely going to have to ask him about that, that is, assuming Voldemort didn't kill him.

"Crucio!"

'Ow' didn't even begin to describe the affects the curse had on Harry's body. It was pain worse than anything he'd ever experienced before. And then it was gone.

"**You see, I think, how foolish it was to suppose that this boy could ever have been stronger than me," said Voldemort, "but I want there to be no mistake in anybody's mind. Harry Potter escaped me by a lucky chance. And I am now going to prove my power by killing him, here and now, in front of you all, when there is now Dumbledore to help him, and no mother to die for him. I will give him his chance. He will be allowed to fight, and you will be left with no doubt which one of us is stronger. Just a little longer Nagini," he whispered, and the snake glided away through the grass to where the Death Eaters stood watching. "Now untie him Wormtail, and give him back his wand."**

So Harry and the Dark Lord dueled. Some how their wands got connected and dead people started coming out.

An old man Harry didn't know, Bertha Jorkins, and Harry's parents all emerged from the end of Voldemort's wand- or at least, smoky shadows of them did.

"Wait, didn't dad die first?" Harry wondered to himself, just as some random Death Eater who had apparently been gifted with a sense of humor called out-

"I see dead people!"

"Break the connection!" Harry's father commanded. Harry did so. He grabbed Cedric, who had been forgotten and was slowly regaining consciousness behind a headstone, and together they raced for the portkey.

…and then they were going back.

* * *

"This is different," Cedric murmured as they were slammed to the ground. The school was still gathered to watch the third task, and they were cheering wildly for the two champions who had suddenly fallen from the sky.

"**He's back," Harry whispered, "he's back. Voldemort."**

"**What's going on? What happened?" The face of Cornelius Fudge appeared upside down over Harry; it looked white, appalled.**

"**My God- Diggory!" it whispered, "Dumbledore- **he's not wearing any pants!"

Harry seemed slightly catatonic at the moment, so it was up to Cedric to get his point across to Dumbledore.

"Are you serious?" he demanded, glaring at Fudge, "we freakin' witness the rebirth of the Dark Lord and all you care about is MY LACK OF PANTS? Are you stupid? Serious question minister, I really want to know. Are you a bloody retard? You should be alerting the media! Not wasting Dumbledore's time with my lack of pants!"

"That is no way to speak to a ministry official, boy!" Amos Diggory scolded his son. To Fudge he said, "I'm terribly sorry minister. Cedric's been spending too much time with the wrong sort of people. Believe me, he and I are going to have words!"

"Yes yes, it's quite alright," Fudge said in a distracted sort of voice that told all concerned that he hadn't heard a word either Diggory had said.

"Lord Voldemort has returned!" Cedric shouted, suddenly breaking his father's death grip on his arm and addressing the crowd. "I saw him. We're all in danger!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Professor Moody grabbed Harry and carried him to his office.

"Tell me everything," the man said finally, "every last detail."

Not yet seeing a reason not to, Harry tried. Soon though, Moody's reactions began to disturb him a bit. Then dread filled the pit of his stomach as he suddenly realized just how wrong he'd been.

Moody admitted to being the one who'd entered his name in the Goblet of Fire and given him all the clues.

Had he not been so terrified, Harry might have found humor in the way Moody's face lit up every time he said the words 'the Dark Lord and I'.

"The Dark Lord and I…" the sentence was never finished. Suddenly Moody was blasted across the room.

There in the doorway stood Dumbledore, Snape and McGonnigal looking like Charlie's Angels with their wands at the ready. Then Cedric Diggory shoved his way through the line of professors and instantly had Harry in his arms.

"Diggory, I told you to wait in my office," Dumbledore said coldly.

"I didn't listen," Cedric replied in the same tone.

"Obviously," Snape said under his breath, emphasizing this by rolling his eyes. Then McGonnigal did the strangest thing. She elbowed Snape in the ribs and giggled.

"Cut it out Sev," she muttered.

"**This is not Alastor Moody," said Dumbledore quietly, "you have never known Alastor Moody. The real Moody would not have removed you from my sight after what happened tonight. The moment he took you I knew- and I followed." Turning to McGonnigal and Snape he continued, "Severus, please fetch me the strongest truth potion you possess, and then go down to the kitchens and bring up the house-elf called Winky. Minerva, kindly go down to Hagrid's house, where you will find either a large dog **or an elderly woman **sitting in the pumpkin patch. Take them to my office, tell them I will be their shortly, then come back here."**

"So where is Moody?" Cedric finally asked once the Professor's had left, "the real one?"

"In the trunk," Dumbledore shrugged, tossing him the keys to said trunk, "I'm going to wait for Severus to get back with the truth potion. Why don't you and Harry make yourselves useful and find the old codger."

And that's what they did for the next twenty minutes.

Then the fake Moody turned into Barty Crouch Jr., and Snape turned up with the potion. Then McGonnigal arrived with Winky, who totally spazzed.

Crouch then proceeded to spill his soul. He explained some things, confessed to a couple of murders, and admitted to turning the Triwizard Cup into a portkey. Winky howled.

* * *

Later that night….

Harry and Cedric were in Dumbledore's office telling him exactly what had taken place at the graveyard. Harry did most of the talking, as Cedric had been unconscious throughout most of the experience.

Sirius sat in a chair close to them, growling when ever somebody said something that displeased him.

And yes, Cedric did know about Sirius. Earlier in the year Harry had accidentally said something, and Cedric had convinced him to share the rest of the story. That one had been interesting.

_Harry: Sirius Black is my godfather._

_Cedric: Sirius Black the mass murderer?_

_Harry: Yup. That's the one. He's innocent._

Bored from answering the same questions over and over again, Harry turned to Sirius.

"Hey Sirius, this is my boyfriend Cedric." Cedric had to laugh at the direct introduction. Always the polite one, he extended his hand.

"Nice to meet you Cedric," Sirius said, warmly shaking the hand of his godson's boyfriend.

"You too sir."

Dumbledore explained some other things, and then the boys finally got to go to the Hospital wing.

"I hope she gives me something that will knock me out for days," Harry whispered to Cedric, who hugged him close and looked sympathetic. Then, one Mrs. Weasley stopped yelling for everyone to be quiet, Harry took some potions and finally got to sleep, using a big black dog for a pillow.

* * *

"Does anyone else feel creepy and stalkerish?" Dudley asked during hour two of watching Harry sleep. "I understand that he's been through a lot tonight, but are we really helping by sitting here and staring?"

He had a good point, but no one listened to him. Harry's boyfriend probably would have agreed, but he'd already fallen asleep across two chairs in a position that didn't even look remotely comfortable.

Then, around four in the morning, there was more yelling. Fudge and McGonnagall were arguing- something about Crouch Jr. and a Dementor. Then Dumbledore joined in and the topic became Harry and Cedric's lack of sanity.

Beside him, Dudley felt Cedric wake up. The older boy fell off the chairs he'd been sleeping on and landed on the floor cursing quietly. "Douchebag" he muttered as Fudge said something rather rude about the two boys.

Of course, soon Harry woke up and started yelling too, just 'cause everyone else was doing it. This is when he decided to pull the death eaters name from his arsenal and use them against Fudges charge of insanity. Naturally, Fudge naively stated that they'd all been cleared. Then he got grumpy, threw a bag of galleons at Dumbledore, and stormed out.

"That went well," commented Sirius, turning back into himself and stretching.

"Sirius Black!" Shrieked Molly Weasley.

"Hiya!" Black waved at the woman.

She fainted.

After giving some orders, Dumbledore left the hospital wing ordering harry to take the rest of his potion and sleep. Hermione caught a bug, and everyone but Ron, Cedric, Dudley and Sirius left the hospital wing.

Once again using the black dog for a pillow, Harry harassed Cedric until he climbed into the bed too. Wrapping his arms protectively around the younger boy, he complied.

"One thing, Ced," Harry whispered softly as he snuggled in his boyfriend's arms, "how are you still alive? I saw the Death Curse hit you three times!"

"Avada Kedavera proof underwear," Cedric chuckled, "now go to sleep."

Ron and Dudley stretched out on chairs, and finally everybody got some sleep.

* * *

The next day Harry was free to leave the hospital wing.

"See you in a few weeks, kid," Vernon said, giving Harry an awkward hug, "congratulations on winning the tournament. You're Aunt and I are very proud."

"It was a tie," Harry muttered, not used to the way the Dursley's were behaving toward him, and wondering how long it would last.

"Eh," Aunt Petunia waved her hand dismissively, "techicalities."

She hugged him as well, and then it was Dudley's turn.

Big D stuck out his hand.

"See ya, brother," Harry grasped the offered hand and grinned.

"From another mother!" the boys hugged eachother, and Dudley threatened Cedric with bodily harm should he ever hurt Harry. They shook hands as well. After that the Dursley's left, and for the first time ever, Harry was sorry to see them go.

On his way back to the castle, he came across Hagrid walking hand in hand with Madame Maxime.

" 'ello Harry," he said cheerfully, raising a hand in greeting, "you and Cedric out for an afternoon stroll? It's a beautiful day for it."

The boys nodded and Hagrid wished them a good afternoon.

* * *

A week later, Harry, Ron, Neville, Dean, and Seamus were in their dorm doing a final check to make sure they'd gotten all of their stuff together.

Soon after, it was time for the Hogwarts Express to take them home.

"I'm almost disappointed," Cedric commented sadly as he and Steve joined the trio in there compartment on the train, "It's been over a week, and Rita STILL hasn't written anything about MY psychotic breakdown!"

"And she's not going to," Hermione replied, pulling a jar out of her school bag.

"No way!" exclaimed an overly mature male voice. Harry had placed Jarbaby on the seat next to him. "That is WAY cool!"

The jar contained only a single beetle and a couple of twigs.

"Nice," Steve laughed appreciatively.

"Malfoy and his goons are coming," Jarbaby said suddenly.

Sure enough, right then the compartment door began to open. Before anyone could get through it, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were all unconscious in the doorway. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Cedric and Steve were all on their feet, each one having used a separate hex.

"Interesting effect," Jarbaby commented, "you really don't like these guys, do you?"

Fred and George had hexed the Slytherins as well……just cause they felt like it.

The rest of the journey passed pleasantly enough, and soon they arrived at the Kings Cross. Once everyone left the compartment, Harry pulled out his share of the Triwizard winnings and shoved it into Fred's hand, ordering him to use it for the joke shop. After a few weak arguments, he agreed to take it, and not mention where they got it from the Mrs. Weasley.

* * *

"What took you?" Cedric was waiting for him outside the compartment.

"I dropped something." Harry replied vaguely, turning to give his boyfriend a big smile.

"Ha, okay," Cedric laughed, he knew, the way he always knew, that Harry was hiding something. "You keep your secrets then, but you know I'll figure it out eventually."

"You always do," Harry agreed with a smile. Jarbaby smiled at Harry, he knew what his father had done too, and he was quite proud. Smiling at his son, Harry opened the lid of his trunk and placed the jar gently inside. "Kiss me Cedric."

"Yes sir," Cedric agreed immediately. The last thing either of the boys wanted to do was to be apart for the summer. Finally ending their kiss, more because Cedric's dad was glaring at them than anything else, they promised to write every day, and Cedric said he'd come visit in soon as he passed his apparation test.

As they walked, hand in hand, off of platform 9 ¾, they couldn't help thinking 'maybe this summer wont suck quite as much'. Then Cedric's dad got impatient and insisted that they go. Harry spotted Dudley, who was waving like mad.

"See ya," Harry whispered.

"Bye," muttered Cedric.

Both had tears in their eyes as they parted.

"Brother!" Dudley shouted in soon as he was in hearing distance. His goofy grin didn't fail to make Harry smile.

"From another mother!"

'nope,' Harry found himself thinking as he and Dudley left the train station, 'maybe it will be different.'

And he smiled. What would come, would come…and he'd just have to kick it's bloody ass when it did!

_**

* * *

**_

_**A/N: That's all folks……for this season anyway. Thank you so much for staying with me through this entire story! This is just the end of Season 1. The adventure is far from over. Keep watching this story, 'cause I'm probably just going to post Episode 1 of the next season as the next chapter, because I'm not sure it can stand alone. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed Season 1, it was incredibly fun to write (almost therapeutic, even). If there is anything you guys would like to see addressed in later episodes, let me know and I'll see what I can come up with.**_

_**I hope to see you all next season. HINT!!!!! (Reveiws make the wait shorter……….)**_


	13. Season 2 Preview!

**Obnoxious Commercial that causes you to anxiously await the coming of season two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**LAST SEASON:** _Harry and Cedric have a telepathic child who is stuck in a jar. the child has the intellegence of someone much older, and the voice as well. the Weasley twins follow the orders of an imaginary Green Fairy, who begins to raise a psychic army and eventually possesses George. Malfoy dates Ginny Weasley, abuses her, cuts himself, and also serves the green fairy. The Triwizard Tournament has four champions: Victor Krum, Fleur Delacour, Cedric Diggory, and Harry Potter. Harry and Cedric win. The Hogwarts Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is stunned and stuffed into a box all year and replaced by a Death Eater on Poly Juice. Ron likes Hermione. Dudley gets Necrotizing Fasciitis and is endanger of either losing his arm or dying, until the Dursleys write to Dumbledore and ask for assistance. Finally after all these years they come to respect magicand those who use it. They also have a new perspective of Harry. Last but not least, Voldemort returns. Voldemort returns and the ministery refuses to do anything. This could get interesting!_

Now, during the summer before Harry's fifth year, he finally feels at home in the house he's lived in his entire life. His friends arent talking to him, but that's okay because now he has other friends. Huge changes are on the way folks, so get ready!

**Read It NOW on Fanfiction dot net: Hogwarts: The Comedic Soap Opera Season 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (insert excessive punctuation)**

**Also, if there is anything you the readers would like to see in upcoming episodes, let me know. I'm always open for suggestions.**

**_Excerpt from Episode 2!!!!_**

"But Dumbledores plan- " Moody began, only to be interupted.

"Has already been blown," Lupin concluded, "two more days wont kill anybody."

"But Molly might," argued Moody, clearly terrifed of the woman. "You heared her before we left," he put on his best impression of Molly Weasley's voice, "Now you keep him safe!" In his own voice he concluded, "if we turn up without the boy, she's going to have a hernia!"

The four sat in silence, pondering this, when Tonks launched herself off the couch again.

"I know!" she said excitedly. She pointed at Dudley, "we'll blame it all on that guy!"

"That just might work," Moody said slowly, running every possible scenario through his mind as he did so. "Yes, that's brilliant."

Before Dudley was able to comprehend just what he was taking the blame for, he and Jarbaby were alone in the house. "That was weird," he commented in dazed amusement.


	14. Note about season 2! temporary!

Hey guys, so this is just a temporarily placed Authors Note to let ya'll know that I've decided to continue Hogwarts: The comedic Soap Opera. The sequal can be found in a creatively titled Hogwarts:The Comedic Soap Opera SEASON2!!! ...The reason I"m writing this note is to see if I actually have anyone still following my story, it's been several months since my last update and I've been really busy with college and papers about the healthcare in switzerland and life and stuff, and wanted to know if anybody still wanted to read this. There's quite a bit of drama and fun planned for season 2, so if you're even slightly interested, please leave a review for Hogwarts: The Comedic Soap Opera SEASON2!!! beligerantly (i learned a new word!) DEMANDING that I continue the story. Thanks, as always, for reading. ~McAwsome


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